Emotional Intelligence Archives

Posted on May 6, 2019May 6, 2019 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Do you avoid doing jobs because the thought of it stresses you out? Do you give up on your health regime after that first glass of wine? Are you late for things simply because you didn’t leave on time? Chances are you’re letting your inner child take control of your life…
I know, I know, you start out with really good intentions at the begining of the week. You’re going to eat sensible, healthy foods. And yet by Tuesday you’re on your second take-away.

Have you ever considered that your inner child has taken over and is running the show!

Who's In Charge You Or Your Child? Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life - The Stresshacker

What Happens When You Let Your Inner Child Rule

That inner whining often goes something like this: “it’s not fair, I’m tired, I don’t want to work, I can’t be bothered to go shopping, I need a treat now, I deserve it!” And giving in to it means that you – the adult – are no longer in charge. Let’s face it if you were, you might be able to have a more grown-up conversation with yourself!

Your inner adult might say something like: “I know you feel like you deserve a treat, but if you do eat those crisps or drink that extra glass of wine, your workout at the gym will feel even harder and ultimately the dress you want to look stunning in next weekend will feel tight and uncomfortable. You’re just hungry let’s get something yummy and healthy to eat right now and if you still want crisps after you can have them!”

Continue reading Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Posted on April 12, 2018 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

How Do You Like Your Love?

Are you lucky in love? Do you feel loving and loved?

Sometimes when we lose confidence we shut down in areas of the body to protect ourselves. Many a person who has been hurt in a relationship will unconsciously create an invisible barrier around their heart to protect themselves from being hurt again.

Later they feel frustrated because they can’t find a loving relationship. It’s confidence that’s needed, the confidence to love the self first, before being able to open up again to someone new.

Love and compassion begin at home.

How Do You Like Your Love? - The Stresshacker / Sue Smith When you love yourself fully and freely it’s easier to love others boundlessly. So fill your cup, practise better self-love and nurturing now. Be kind and gentle to yourself and treat yourself with the love and respect you would afford another.

Here’s an exercise that will start the process and help you to open your heart.

Take a moment to think about someone you love… it’s OK if that’s your dog or cat! Think about what you would say to them if this were your last opportunity to let them know how much they mean to you. If you can’t think of anyone you love. Imagine how it would feel to really love someone. Imagine a flow of warmth circulating around your chest and flowing out to that someone special.

Come on do it now … just see how it feels to write down exactly what you would say, express your love as openly and honestly as you can without restriction. Remember write don’t type, it’s an entirely different and more positive experience when we put pen to paper.

Turn it around now and pretend someone has sent this letter to you, read it out-loud to yourself seven times. Really anchor these sentiments.

What we say to ourselves becomes true for ourselves. It’s true and that’s because the bigger part of your mind (the other 90%) absolutely believes what it’s told. That is such a valuable piece of information I have to repeat it. YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND BELIEVES WHATEVER IT IS TOLD!

Affirmations work! Really they do, but don’t take my word for it practice them yourself and see the results… try the following

“I am open and receptive to a warm loving, respectful relationship”

“I attract a positive loving man/woman into my life”

“All my relationships are harmonious”

The more resistance you feel to saying affirmations the more likely you are to need them and do you know something? It really doesn’t matter whether you believe them or not because your unconscious mind does.

Once upon a time you didn’t know that 2 + 2 = 4 you repeated it often enough to know that it was true. You also didn’t know your alphabet until you practiced it over and over. If you’re good at reading, it’s because you read a lot! Repetition is the mother of all skill.

Affirmations work!

… “My heart is open and receptive to love and happiness” go on try saying it a few times; notice how it makes you feel. Good Right!

According to author Professor Richard Wiseman in his best selling book The Luck Factor you make your own luck.

Set about making your own luck by building the confidence and self-belief you need to find love. Take the short cut to building self esteem by listening to my Super Charge Your Confidence program and then top it up by reading my popular eBook Super Charge Your Confidence. Seven Simple Steps To Boost Your Confidence Self Esteem and Control

If you’re struggling to find love and feel blocked or numb around your heart area, practice these two yoga stretches on daily basis.

Yoga Technique 1: The Windmill

Stand with feet hip width apart soften the knees raise your arms out to the side at shoulder level and keep them there. Keep your hips facing forwards and turn your trunk and arms to the left, keeping your arms straight and at shoulder height, fix your gaze on the fingers of the back hand. Turn back to the centre and repeat to the right. Keep your gaze fixed on the fingers of the back-hand. Repeat 10 times. Stop if you feel dizzy

Yoga Technique 2: The Chest Opener

Stand with feet hip width apart and bring your arms behind your back and clasp hands together. Draw your shoulder blades together and imagine you could slide them down your back toward the floor, now lift and lengthen up through the front of the body and take a gentle stretch backwards sending hands and arms toward the floor but keep them in touch with the back body. DO NOT take your head back unless you are certain that you have no problems with your neck.

Posted on March 7, 2017 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

RAPE OF THE HEART

Many years ago, I did some work with the dynamic authors and couple therapists Helena Lovendal and Nick Duffell. This is where I first heard the term ‘rape of the heart’. A phrase afforded to the men who as boys, became the confidante and major source of emotional support to their mothers.

This can happen for a variety of reasons, though fundamentally as a result of the father being absent whether literally as in dead, estranged from the family, unavailable due to work commitments or more often emotionally absent. This coupled with needy or emotionally stunted mothers, sets the scene for a ‘rape of the heart’.

Similarly to girls, boys have a heightened awareness and sensitivity to their mothers needs. By the time a boy is 5 years old, he is said to know all of his mothers unfulfilled dreams and heartaches. This is mentally confusing and emotionally too much for their hearts to bear. In an effort to survive psychically, they detach themselves in favour of climbing trees and kicking footballs.

In this detachment they shut down their hearts for protection, not wanting to continue the painful connection because ultimately they cannot meet the needs of their mother or fix her pain. The fact that it is not their place to do so, is beyond their comprehension. The already emotionally overburdened boy, carries a sense of guilt for not being able to be the ‘man’ his mother needs.

Disappointed and disillusioned with the ‘absent’ husband, the mother can unconsciously or consciously place both insidious and overt demands on her son to ‘hold the space’ emotionally for her. This makes contributes hugely to the later failure in his relationships and the subsequent emotional and psychological pain and torment that can plague his life.

Fast forward 30 odd years. The boy, now a man, is in a troubled relationship. Sitting in front of me with his partner, I ask what they want from therapy. He says with a pained expression “I just want her to be happy” she says with frustration “ He doesn’t get me because he never really listens to me”. Neither of them can understand what went wrong. Both tell me how much in love and happy they were in the beginning. They thought they were a perfect match.

Naturally it will take time for them to explore their dynamic and to understand some of the more subtle issues in their relationship.

If he is able to grasp the concept that the closer he and his partner become and the more intimate their relationship, the more threatening this feels for him at a deeper unconscious level. His visceral memory associates closeness and intimacy with the deep emotional wound of not being ‘enough’ for his mother.

As his partner opens up to him, expecting connection because for her, this is the foreplay, the intimacy. He instinctively pulls away and shuts down. He is fearful that he wont be able to ‘fix’ his partner, so it’s easier for him to disconnect. As this unconscious reflection plays out in their relationship it threatens their connection.

Once he gains understanding and insight of this unconscious programming, he can start to clear the mental fog of confusion and become more congruent. In time he learns to feel more comfortable with the intimacy and improves his communication with his partner.

If you have found this article thought provoking please feel free to pass it on to anyone who you think would be interested too.

Posted on August 19, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Are You Fat Focused?

Do you obsess about food?

Are you constantly on and off of the scales?

Do you worry about sticking to a diet?

Are you always counting calories?

If you don’t care about being overweight then fine, don’t read on but if you’re constantly striving to lose weight only to put it back on, or are stuck in the yo-yo pattern of dieting you might want to try a new approach.

The majority of people with weight problems tend to be consumed by thoughts of what, when and how they will eat or drink. Constant worrying about food and focusing on feeling fat are your worst enemies in the pursuit of losing weight.

I know that the easiest way to lose weight and keep it off is to change your mind-set. Here are 3 ways you can do it

Update Your Mental Software.
Throw Away Your Scales.
Reprogram Your Mind using language it understands.

Change your mind and keep the change

Discover the best way to finally dump your negative thoughts and feelings. Upgrade your mindset and rebuild your self-esteem with my Mindful Weight Loss approach.

1. Update Your Mental Software

Are you interested in the quickest way to do this? Hypnosis. Reprogram your mind, by-pass the negative inner chatter and input positive thoughts that will change the way you feel. 21 days of consistent listening to positive, upbeat suggestions of self-love will have you automatically making better choices. You will find everything easier when you feel positive and confident.

The biggest part of your mind, the subconscious mind believes whatever it is told. What are you telling yourself about your size, weight, or the way you look?

2. Throw Away Your Scales.

Hopping on and off of scales create a hopeless addiction, get rid of them, they’re work of the devil! They lie too! Have you ever jumped on your scales and felt your heart soar because you’d shed a little weight? Only to get on your friend’s scales (because you couldn’t resist) to find you’d gained some weight?

Scales encourage negative thinking that will quickly spiral you down into feeling out of control, this is my opinion based on 28 years of facilitating weight loss with thousands of people.

Stop kidding yourself. You WILL KNOW WHEN YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT when your trousers feel loose or more comfortable, or when you no longer need to loosen your belt whilst eating. Resist the temptation to buy clothes in bigger sizes and work your way back into the wardrobe you have, by being kind, encouraging and loving to yourself. I go into the psychology of this more in the course.

3. Picture The Best You

Picture The Best You… develop the habit of putting yourself into a gentle state of relaxation (yes, this can be done on the train on your way to work, or just as you drift off to sleep) once relaxed; create pictures of you in your minds eye being the best version of you. Imagine yourself feeling, fit, flexible and strong. If you’re visual (I’m not so I just get on and imagine) visualize yourself doing and being who you are when you are what makes you feel the best. For example, see you looking very much in control, relaxed, confident, peaceful, in love with and loving yourself. See yourself sufficiently confident to make better choices. Encourage yourself to exercise by persistently picturing yourself swimming, walking or taking a class in the gym.

Your subconscious mind believes whatever you tell it… what are you telling it?

More importantly the language of the biggest part of your mind (the subconscious) is imagery, so it prefers to receive positive images. Don’t take my word for it, try it yourself regularly.

Don’t be shy, take advantage of the Ask Sue facility here on the website and ask me any questions you have about losing weight.

If you’ve any questions about my Mindful Weight Loss course ask away! The course is unique and I created it more with the idea of helping people to become happier and more at peace with themselves with the weight loss being more a by- product of that. There is no dieting involved in this course, although you do need to want to lose weight and be prepared to make a commitment to doing so.

So if you know someone who would find this useful please pass it onto them.

Posted on April 8, 2016April 11, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Do You Know 8 Ways To Identify Your Parent Part?

If you’re one of those rare people who was never shouted at or nagged by your parents, you are truly blessed! For the rest of us it pretty much goes with the territory of having parents and even being one.

This means there’s a part of your brain that holds all the recordings of things your parents and significant carers said or did to you. Only trouble is today you probably think these negatives are coming from you.

For most of us the ‘parent part’: –

Criticises
Judges
Has expectations.
Makes demands
Shouts
Nags
Say’s “you should”
Seems negative.

Whilst the above list is pretty universal, your individual parent part is specific and personal to you. Have you wondered why, without warning you can suddenly morph into some unrecognisable version of you? And find yourself shouting, nagging or demanding?

Have you ever wondered ‘where you’re coming from’?

If you’re lucky you may have a glimmer of reason from the adult part of you who thinks eh? What happened there, why did I suddenly flip! If you stay in the parent part you’ll just justify your behaviour. But if you dislike feeling like that and would prefer to be calm, rational and ‘adult’ the following exercise will help you to recognise the behaviours of this part sufficiently to avoid them in the future.

In your journal write the heading The Parent Part: –

Now scribble down as many messages as you can remember receiving from your parents when you were growing up. We’re only looking for the negatives here because obviously what isn’t broke doesn’t need fixing!

These messages make up your early programming, so if for example your mother tended to be meek and passive but your father had an explosive temper and shouted a lot, your list will look something like this.

Mixed up isn’t it! You can see that it isn’t always easy to understand what makes you tick. However by making an exhaustive list of your parent part messages you start to understand your programming and as a result stand more chance of being able to choose a different way of responding in the future.

So many people feel beaten up psychologically and lack self love and self-confidence. I believe one of the reasons for this, is due to old programming. Naturally unless you’re introduced to this way of working you would have no way of separating out some of the negative messages in the back of your mind. Once you’re able to allocate this thought process and that behaviour to the parent or child part, you’re free to build on the ‘adult’ aspect of you and be the person you feel you’re really meant to be.

If your ‘parent part’ shouts a lot and is also passive and meek as in the example above, what would the opposite of these behaviours be? Reasonable, rational, assertive? So your adult part might start to look like this.

Remember in an earlier blog I said the Adult is the only place where we can set goals? You may not be being assertive, relaxed, confident and calm just yet but it’s a goal and if you don’t have a goal you can’t get there!

Until next time enjoy working out where you’re coming from!

Posted on March 18, 2016March 20, 2016 by Sue Smith — 1 Comment

Is It Time To Wake Up And Smell The Coffee?

Build It And They Will Come!

From time to time I talk about Transactional Analysis, the psychotherapy model that suggests that we have three ‘parts’ running in the back of the mind, that of the parent, adult and child.

For the purpose of this blog and to keep it brief, let’s assume that the programming of the Parent Part and the Child Part is from our past conditioning and as a result, set in stone. This would mean that the only part available for us to grow and develop is the Adult Part.

Because the subconscious mind believes whatever we tell it, we can program the Adult Part of the mind with positive thoughts and ideas.

If we think of the adult part as a clean slate for example, with no past programming, we can set realistic and achievable goals out into the future in order to have, be, or achieve the things we want in life.

If you don’t have a goal, how can you get there?

If we sent 22 footballers out into a field without the goal posts, there would be no game!

When coaching clients, I help them to explore how they would like to see themselves in the future.

Play around with this idea now. How would you like to see yourself in five years time? What will you be doing? How will you be living? What work are you doing? What sort of holidays are you having? What sort of relationships are you enjoying?

If we fail to plan, we plan to fail.

The kind of life you would like to lead and the future you would like to have is unlikely to happen on its own, it wont just magically appear. Let me ask you a question. Do you really think that someone else will come along and read your mind, somehow know what you want and need and then provide it? Nope. No one can know what you want and need more than you!

As an adult, you’re in charge of your life and it’s up to you to make it happen.

Try this exercise; pick one area from the following list:

My working life/career/business.

My finances.

My health and fitness.

My relationships.

My personal goals, this can include travel, courses, and education.

My community/what do I give of myself to others e.g. time money support expertise.

Now ask yourself these questions: If I don’t have to worry about anyone else or what they think, if I don’t have to worry about money or paying bills, what would I be doing? (in the area that you picked from the list).

Quickly write down the things that come to mind.

Build on this idea a bit more by asking more questions like what would it look like, it sound like, how would it feel, what images come to mind?

Does it make you feel light hearted and excited when you imagine that future you?

First of all get to work by dreaming it. I’m going to pick this up again in my blog next week, so be sure to read it to know what to do next.

Enjoy!

Posted on February 4, 2016February 4, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Is It Okay To Be Selfish?

ME MYSELF I!

Why putting yourself first can be a good thing.

Do you put other’s needs and desires before your own and find yourself going along with what everyone else wants to do so that you don’t rock the boat?

Do you struggle to say No?

Do you hear yourself say ‘yes’ before even considering your own feelings on the matter?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, then you’re running a People Pleasing Program. This program is negative to your self-esteem and damaging to your confidence. More importantly you may even be in danger of completely losing yourself in that role.

Getting lost in one of life’s roles can trigger a variety of problems such as anxiety, addictions, depression, phobias and sleep problems to name but a few.

Have you ever wondered why? Why the need to please?

The need for approval from others is usually borne out of fear. For example as children we have a natural need for the love and approval of our parents or significant others and if this is less than forthcoming it can leave a child feeling scared and heartbroken. As a result they try harder and harder to win approval in order to feel that they have a right to breathe and exist.

There are other reasons why the People Pleasing program can be triggered too, such as experiencing bullying. Many people bullied at school or work find themselves dealing with an emotional residue of fear and shame.

At what point does this need for approval stop?

It doesn’t. As I’ve said in earlier blogs, although we grow up chronologically and intellectually, we can get ‘stuck’ emotionally. So unless we pay conscious attention to our uncomfortable feelings and learn to become assertive we may stay stuck for a long time.

The People Pleasing program dictates that the needs and desires of others are more important than our own. In which case it will seem really hard be clear about our own boundaries.

On occasions and in a rather dramatic attempt to have clients pay more attention to their own needs, I’ve been known to get up in the middle of a session and casually prop the door wide open! It’s a rare client who challenges this odd behaviour of mine and I’m usually left squirming with discomfort for a while before asking “Is it okay that the door’s wide open?” The response is often about me and my comfort levels, rather than about their feelings or right to confidentiality. This is a good starting point to explore how it really felt to have the door wide open (it’s closed by now) and to look at their comfort levels and boundaries.

I then bang on with my mantra ‘ We Teach Others How To Treat Us We Teach Others How To Treat Us We Teach Others How To Treat Us’

The effort and energy involved in pleasing others before considering your own needs can be tiring and frustrating, because the deeper recognition of not being true to yourself can leave you feeling like a fraud. The lack of authenticity can lead to dissatisfaction with yourself, your relationships and life in general.

So how can you avoid this cycle?

One of the ways I worked on overcoming my own people pleasing program was by giving myself space, sometimes through my yoga practice or in meditation, just allowing myself a bit of time for reflection. Sometimes re-running an imaginary scene of how I would like to have handled a situation, gave me an opportunity to ‘try on’ new behaviour.

What can you do to give yourself space and time for reflection?

With time for reflection try working with the notion of filling your cup first.

Let me ask you, if your cup is full and you have absolutely everything you want, you’ve taken care of your needs and desires to the best of your ability, what do you then want?

The answer most people give is ‘for the good of others‘

It might seem selfish to put yourself first if you’re used to looking out for others but think of it in the same light as an oxygen mask in a plane, how can you help your children or others to survive, if you can’t breathe yourself!

Once we become more comfortable taking care of ourselves, we are in a better position to ‘give’ authentically and unconditionally to others.

Write down 5 things that you could do now to nurture yourself. Leave your comments below you never know they could be really helpful to someone else.

Thanks for reading.

Posted on January 8, 2016January 14, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Are You Ready To Confront Your Fears In 2016?

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway was one of the first and best self-help books I have ever read, in it, author Dr Susan Jeffers encouraged us to ‘go for it ‘ despite our fears and anxieties.

We can become more emotionally robust and courageous and it is possible to develop the courage to overcome fears and anxieties, but they wont go away on their own, without doing some work with them.

Here’s a quick exercise to spark courage.

Ensure you won’t be interrupted for five minutes. Close your eyes and ask yourself “where abouts in my body does courage live” intuitively go to the first place that comes to mind.

If you feel that you lack courage, then ask yourself “where in my body is the place where I lack courage”

Once you have located the place that this feeling or lack of it resides (it may be in your stomach, your chest or heart for example) then ask your subconscious mind or imagination to give you a colour, shape or size that represents this feeling.

As soon as an image, picture, shape or colour, comes to mind, just accept it. Now ask the picture (shape, colour) what it (the image) wants to do so that you can feel more courageous. Usually the image will change, sometimes dramatically, sometimes in a very minor way. Sit, sense and notice what shift takes place in your image, colour or shape. I know it feels a bit odd talking to yourself in this way but aim to lend yourself to the experience in order to get results.

As soon as there is a change from your original image, even the slightest change, the exercise is complete and you can open your eyes. You are likely to notice an improved sense of courage over the coming days. You can repeat this exercise as often as you wish.

Physiologically there’s a fine line between fear and excitement both states involve breathing more quickly for example.

Our inner chatter can also determine how we feel, so what we say to ourselves is really important. It can be helpful to reframe a fearful feeling and tell yourself that this feeling is excitement, it’s anticipation, kid yourself and act as if you are brimming with courage.

If you’ve set goals and decided to ‘go for it’ in 2016 you might find the Assertive Empowerment Now audio hypnosis program a great support for you. Programing the deeper subconscious mind on a regular basis with positive words of encouragement and support can really help us to step up to the challenges we set ourselves. We can then approach goals with greater confidence. Using mind tools such as this audio program is a practical way of making positive changes quickly and with minimal effort, simply play the recording when you go off to bed each night. As you drift of to sleep listening to powerful, assertive suggestions, you can expect to feel emotionally stronger and self-assured in the following days, but don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.

If you’re still in need of inspiration please take a few moments to watch this amazing video of Dilys Price an 82-year-old lady who regularly throws herself out of a plane! She is truly inspirational and will definitely encourage you to go for it!

As usual we love to hear your feedback and comments below.

Enjoy.

Posted on November 26, 2015December 18, 2015 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

What is inner child work and why do it?

Inner child work is an extremely profound way of empowering yourself, it is a way of re-writing your personal script, your story and enables you to make positive changes in the way that you think and feel.

Before I lose some of the more scientific among you, let me start with the logic and rationale as to how and why this type of work does work!

Your long-term memory, also known in hypnotherapy as the subconscious mind and in psychotherapy, the unconscious mind has many jobs to do. One of its main directives however is to store information, regardless of whether it’s true or false.

The subconscious mind has no understanding of past or future, so memories are held ‘in state’ i.e. in the way that you experienced them at that given moment in time, yet they are simultaneously in the here and now.

Clients often tell me how invalidating and annoying it is to be told “ but that happened years ago, why don’t you let it go and move on.” It may well be that something happened years ago, but as far as your subconscious mind is concerned it is still happening at an emotional level. The feelings from the memory are constantly replaying at a physiological level. Your body is still replaying the fear, the anxiety that the bullying caused. Get it?

The main filing system of the subconscious mind is symbols, pictures and images.

Therefore the best way to work with the subconscious mind is in imagery. Let me explain.

Let’s suppose you have a bad memory, something unpleasant that happened to you when you were twelve. Let’s say you were bullied at school. No matter how many times you look at that memory, you are the victim of the bullying. So why would you want to keep revisiting it? The only reason to revisit an unpleasant memory is to change it, rearrange it and put it back into the subconscious mind in a way that leaves you feeling empowered and if you like, the victor, as opposed to the victim. This works because the subconscious (unconscious mind) believes whatever it’s told!

So we might work with the twelve year old ‘victim’ by revisiting the memory, only this time imagining that your older self walks back into the school room and gives the bully a real talking to, maybe even incapacitates the bully (whatever feels right and justified to you). The adult you can then take the twelve year old by the hand and lead them out of the classroom and take them somewhere safe and secure.

Once there, your older self can engage with the twelve year old encouraging a two-way communication. This means asking the inner twelve year old a question and waiting to sense the response rather than assuming you as an adult knows what that younger you needs.

Often the younger part needs a hug, or to feel loved or heard. In your imagination give the younger you whatever it is they’re asking for, in the best way you can imagine.

Often, whilst in the process of reframing we may have an emotional release. It’s an opportunity to let go of the feelings bound up with that memory. This ‘clearing’ out of old emotions is what feels so healing. We are left with a sense of inner space and a deeper sense of peace.

This talking to yourself silently can feel a bit odd at first but you get better at it as time goes on.

How to:

So you might close your eyes simply stare at the floor.

Invite yourself to go back in time to that memory and begin to run it as I’ve suggested above or in whatever way feels like an appropriate positive reframe for you. The aim is to get the ‘stuck’ or ‘victim’ part of you out of that situation and move them to a better place (albeit in your mind/imagination).

I’ll say it again, this works because the subconscious (unconscious mind) believes whatever it’s told! Simples!

Please do not attempt to do this work with highly abusive memories. If you were subject to abuse or long-term neglect or bullying please find a professional therapist to work with.

As an aid to this technique I have made a download called Healing Your Inner Child, which will guide you to reframe negative memories. Again I add the caution that this it is not an appropriate tool for long term abuse or neglect in childhood. You will be better served to work one-to-one with a professional therapist or counsellor.

Posted on November 9, 2015November 23, 2015 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

You’re As Sick As Your Secrets.

Our good sense of self depends mostly on how much we love and accept ourselves. If we feel bad because we have some secret lurking in the back of our minds about something that happened to us or something we did last week, last year or twenty years ago. It will continue to churn out bad feelings too.

Find at least one person to tell your secret to.

Finding one person who you have some measure of trust in, to share with, could make the world of difference to you.

If there really is no one, go to see a counsellor or therapist. If you can’t afford a therapist, go to your Doctor and explain that there is something that you believe is having a detrimental effect of your overall wellbeing and health and ask to be referred to a psychiatric nurse, or counsellor attached to the practice. Maybe there is a spiritual or religious elder you feel you could trust.

It sounds corny doesn’t it … ‘A Problem Shared Is A Problem Halved’ but this adage really is true for many.

You have to tell someone. I can’t stress how much better most people feel when they ‘disclose’ something that they have felt shameful or guilty about. In therapy this disclosure is often seen as a major breakthrough and the start of positive healing and a healthier mind-set.

I’ve said in previous blogs, that when we bring something out of the shadow side of the personality, the dark side, we are bringing it into the light and as a consequence, we become more enlightened. We simply start to understand ourselves better and this is the beginning of a journey of self-acceptance and self-love and we can literally lighten up a bit more.

Look, if you don’t out for you who do you think should? If you don’t look after you, why should anyone else? We teach others how to treat us. As we begin to take care of ourselves others follow our lead.

Just Can’t Face Telling Anyone Yet?

If this is where you are you may find the following exercise helpful to do.

Stresshack

Choose a time when you don’t have to rush off anywhere such as to work. Make sure you wont be disturbed and sit with a note book and write as if you are writing to an older wiser you and tell them everything.

You may need to stop periodically, you may cry and feel overwhelmed by emotions at times but know that this will pass. It’s part of the process of clearing some of the stagnation in your heart and chest that is created by holding on to such ‘heavy’ memories.

Say it all. Leave nothing out. When you’ve written exhaustively i.e. there’s nothing more to add, it’s all been said. Do something nurturing for you. Make a cup of tea, take a warm bath, perhaps go for a walk. Or just sit quietly.

An hour later take your letter to the sink where you will burn it (have water ready to douse any unruly flames) You may wish to do this ceremoniously with the following affirmation:

As I burn this letter, I let go of any negative thoughts and emotions attached to these memories. I let go of that past and from this moment on, I become stronger, healthier, wiser and more confident. I now heal from all of those things. I like, love and respect myself even more for getting through them.

Continue to be respectful of what you’ve just done by nurturing yourself in caring loving ways. Put yourself and your needs first by asking yourself “What do I want. What do I need” and aim to provide that for yourself.

You may revisit the content of your letter at a later date, by disclosure to a therapist or counsellor or confiding in a friend. You may decide there’s more work to be done around these memories, in order to feel even better about yourself. This is just a step in the right direction.

I must stress here how important it is to destroy the letter once you’ve written it. Fire has been used throughout the ages in ceremonies, as a symbol of renewal. By burning we are clearing the space for something fresh and new.

If you don’t want to burn your letter that’s okay, but it’s imperative that it is destroyed. It doesn’t matter if you’ve written volumes, get rid of it. You can always write again. Burn it, bin it, tear it up and bury it but get rid of it! This exercise dictates that the letter must be destroyed.

If this is a starting point for you maybe it’s time to delve into some self-help books, try You Can Heal Your Life and I Just Want To Be Happy for starters.

As always I’m interested in your feedback.