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Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Do you avoid doing jobs because the thought of it stresses you out? Do you give up on your health regime after that first glass of wine? Are you late for things simply because you didn’t leave on time? Chances are you’re letting your inner child take control of your life…
I know, I know, you start out with really good intentions at the begining of the week. You’re going to eat sensible, healthy foods. And yet by Tuesday you’re on your second take-away.

Have you ever considered that your inner child has taken over and is running the show!

Who's In Charge You Or Your Child? Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life - The Stresshacker

What Happens When You Let Your Inner Child Rule

That inner whining often goes something like this: “it’s not fair, I’m tired, I don’t want to work, I can’t be bothered to go shopping, I need a treat now, I deserve it!” And giving in to it means that you – the adult – are no longer in charge. Let’s face it if you were, you might be able to have a more grown-up conversation with yourself!

Your inner adult might say something like: “I know you feel like you deserve a treat, but if you do eat those crisps or drink that extra glass of wine, your workout at the gym will feel even harder and ultimately the dress you want to look stunning in next weekend will feel tight and uncomfortable. You’re just hungry let’s get something yummy and healthy to eat right now and if you still want crisps after you can have them!”

Continue reading Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

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Judging Ourselves and Others: How To Break The Habit

Pointing Finger of Judgement

Are You Sick Of Judging?

Judging ourselves and others can become a habit.

When Louisa was younger she used to love people watching with her sister when they were in the car. They would take it in turns to pick out a stranger who they would judge and criticise for something, each trying to out-do the other with insults.

When she was older Louisa felt more and more uncomfortable indulging in what had once felt like harmless fun.

She’d reasoned as a teenager that it didn’t hurt anyone because the strangers couldn’t hear them and it eased their boredom.

Years later however Louisa recognised that the discomfort she felt stemmed, not only from being mean to innocent strangers, but also because of what it told her about herself and her attitudes.

What our judgements say about us

If you can be unkind about a stranger, how mean are you to yourself? Do you spend a lot of  time criticising the way your friends and colleagues behave? Then you’re probably  harsh and critical about yourself.

Judging others means you’re judging yourself. When we point the finger of blame or judgment at another, you’ll notice three fingers pointing back at yourself. We levy a much heavier burden of judgment on ourselves when we judge others.

In life we tend to attract mirrors of ourselves, in our partners, friends and colleagues.

Look at the things in others that you like or dislike, love or hate, you’ll discover that they are aspects about yourself that you are not owning.

Consider the one thing that you find most abhorrent, something you believe you would NEVER do – be very careful, because you almost certainly house some aspect of that deep within your psyche!

So the next time your inner Judge starts pointing, be kinder to yourself and curl those fingers into a yoga mudra (gesture). Bring your thumb and index finger together and slowly repeat the words ‘I am peace, you are peace, there is peace’

Judging takes up a lot of psychic energy and takes us away from the here and now. Next time you catch yourself judging, distract your mind by singing the lyrics to a favourite tune.

Constant judgements mean that we are not accepting what is, which creates conflict and  creates mental turmoil.

Sack the Judge and treat yourself a to a mental holiday. Discover more peace and positivity when you retrain your brain with my positive thinking book and audio.

Enjoy!

 

 

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28 Ways To Be On Top!

28 ways to be on top

How can you reach your destination if you haven’t got a map?

Do you know how to stay in adult mode?

Can you recognise the qualities and behaviours that belong to the adult part of you?

Are you becoming more adept at recognising your inner child’s behaviours and thoughts?

Can you identify when you’re in critical parent mode and use your map to snap out of it?

Add this list to your adult part and enjoy the process of growing up.

  1. Speak your truth
  2. Know yourself
  3. Nurture yourself
  4. Learn to be assertive
  5. Eat well.
  6. Have plenty of rest
  7. Exercise regularly
  8. Spend time with people who make you laugh
  9. Remember that variety is the spice of life
  10. Improve your confidence and self-esteem
  11. Become more congruent shed the ‘roles’ that make you feel a phoney
  12. If you lack it, develop integrity
  13. Be honest and truthful with yourself and others
  14. Spend time alone
  15. Do what you love to do
  16. Act as if you’re brave until you feel brave
  17. Explore and try something different a food, exercise, or hobby
  18. Say daily positive affirmations.
  19. Try journaling every day.
  20. Dump your grievances by writing therapy letters to those who have hurt you. (DON’T send them, tear them up after… it works!)
  21. Develop an attitude of gratitude write 3 things two or three times a week that you’re grateful for.
  22. Practice loving. Imagine you’re falling in love with yourself
  23. Be kind and forgiving to yourself
  24. Remind yourself it’s okay to say No
  25. Set goals for the experiences you want to have
  26. Upgrade your programs with hypnotherapy
  27. Be kind and gentle with your inner child
  28. Be firm and boundaried with your inner parent. (Don’t let it take over!)

Enjoy and let me have your feedback!

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Growing Up At Last!

This week’s blog is going to be a little brief due to me going out and kicking my heels up (that’s the adult in me!) My parent part would have me slog over this blog for a few hours longer, revisiting it over and over “until it’s right”!DeathtoStock_Creative Community7

The child/teenager in me would likely acquiesce and sit for another few hours at my desk ‘to get it right’!

The adult in me knows it’s okay to have compromise. The adult is okay with not being perfect

If you’ve been following the past few blogs where I’ve talked about the model of looking at the mind in 3 parts, the child, parent and adult parts this will all be making sense, if you’ve just landed on this blog though, you can be forgiven for wondering what I’m on about! Start reading from here

In a nutshell, we tend to run old beliefs and thoughts programmed during childhood. It’s rare that we challenge or change these thoughts and beliefs and sadly the older we get the more ingrained they become. Simply put, we believe what we’ve been told about ourselves in the past.

Identifying the adult in us and adding new thoughts, beliefs and behaviours is akin to upgrading the software! The adult part is the starting place to set goals and if you like, reinvent ourselves.

In case you missed the rationale behind why this updating is so powerful I’ll reiterate. The subconscious mind (the other 90%) believes whatever it is told. Please re-read that last line!

If like many people who start to work with this model of the mind, you feel unsure of who your adult part is,  or how you want to be, have a look at one of my favourite speakers Julian Treasure and familiarise yourself with his mnemonic HAIL

Honesty

Authenticity

Integrity

Love

I’m sure you’ll agree these are worthy  traits to add to  your adult part.  Enjoy and watch Julian’s TED talk here>

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Do You Know 8 Ways To Identify Your Parent Part?

If you’re one of those rare people who was never shouted at or nagged by your parents, you are truly blessed! For the rest of us it pretty much goes with the territory of having parents and even being one.

This means there’s a part of your brain that holds all the recordings of things your parents and significant carers said or did to you. Only trouble is today you probably think these negatives are coming from you.

For most of us the ‘parent part’: –

  1. Criticises
  2. Judges
  3. Has expectations.
  4. Makes demands
  5. Shouts
  6. Nags
  7. Say’s “you should”
  8. Seems negative.

Whilst the above list is pretty universal, your individual parent part is specific and personal to you. Have you wondered why, without warning you can suddenly morph into some unrecognisable version of you? And find yourself shouting, nagging or demanding?

Have you ever wonderedwhere you’re coming from’?

If you’re lucky you may have a glimmer of reason from the adult part of you who thinks eh? What happened there, why did I suddenly flip! If you stay in the parent part you’ll just justify your behaviour. But if you dislike feeling like that and would prefer to be calm, rational and ‘adult’ the following exercise will help you to recognise the behaviours of this part sufficiently to avoid them in the future.

be your best self

In your journal write the heading The Parent Part: –

Now scribble down as many messages as you can remember receiving from your parents when you were growing up. We’re only looking for the negatives here because obviously what isn’t broke doesn’t need fixing!

These messages make up your early programming, so if for example your mother tended to be meek and passive but your father had an explosive temper and shouted a lot, your list will look something like this.
IMG_2853
Mixed up isn’t it! You can see that it isn’t always easy to understand what makes you tick. However by making an exhaustive list of your parent part messages you start to understand your programming and as a result stand more chance of being able to choose a different way of responding in the future.

So many people feel beaten up psychologically and lack self love and self-confidence. I believe one of the reasons for this, is due to old programming. Naturally unless you’re introduced to this way of working you would have no way of separating out some of the negative messages in the back of your mind. Once you’re able to allocate this thought process and that behaviour to the parent or child part, you’re free to build on the ‘adult’ aspect of you and be the person you feel you’re really meant to be.

If your ‘parent part’ shouts a lot and is also passive and meek as in the example above, what would the opposite of these behaviours be? Reasonable, rational, assertive? So your adult part might start to look like this.IMG_2851 (1)

Remember in an earlier blog I said the Adult is the only place where we can set goals? You may not be being assertive, relaxed, confident and calm just yet but it’s a goal and if you don’t have a goal you can’t get there!

Until next time enjoy working out where you’re coming from!