Posted on May 6, 2019May 6, 2019 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Do you avoid doing jobs because the thought of it stresses you out? Do you give up on your health regime after that first glass of wine? Are you late for things simply because you didn’t leave on time? Chances are you’re letting your inner child take control of your life…
I know, I know, you start out with really good intentions at the begining of the week. You’re going to eat sensible, healthy foods. And yet by Tuesday you’re on your second take-away.

Have you ever considered that your inner child has taken over and is running the show!

Who's In Charge You Or Your Child? Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life - The Stresshacker

What Happens When You Let Your Inner Child Rule

That inner whining often goes something like this: “it’s not fair, I’m tired, I don’t want to work, I can’t be bothered to go shopping, I need a treat now, I deserve it!” And giving in to it means that you – the adult – are no longer in charge. Let’s face it if you were, you might be able to have a more grown-up conversation with yourself!

Your inner adult might say something like: “I know you feel like you deserve a treat, but if you do eat those crisps or drink that extra glass of wine, your workout at the gym will feel even harder and ultimately the dress you want to look stunning in next weekend will feel tight and uncomfortable. You’re just hungry let’s get something yummy and healthy to eat right now and if you still want crisps after you can have them!”

Continue reading Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Posted on October 10, 2018October 8, 2018 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Judging Ourselves and Others: How To Break The Habit

Are You Sick Of Judging?

Judging ourselves and others can become a habit.

When Louisa was younger she used to love people watching with her sister when they were in the car. They would take it in turns to pick out a stranger who they would judge and criticise for something, each trying to out-do the other with insults.

When she was older Louisa felt more and more uncomfortable indulging in what had once felt like harmless fun.

She’d reasoned as a teenager that it didn’t hurt anyone because the strangers couldn’t hear them and it eased their boredom.

Years later however Louisa recognised that the discomfort she felt stemmed, not only from being mean to innocent strangers, but also because of what it told her about herself and her attitudes.

What our judgements say about us

If you can be unkind about a stranger, how mean are you to yourself? Do you spend a lot of time criticising the way your friends and colleagues behave? Then you’re probably harsh and critical about yourself.

Judging others means you’re judging yourself. When we point the finger of blame or judgment at another, you’ll notice three fingers pointing back at yourself. We levy a much heavier burden of judgment on ourselves when we judge others.

In life we tend to attract mirrors of ourselves, in our partners, friends and colleagues.

Look at the things in others that you like or dislike, love or hate, you’ll discover that they are aspects about yourself that you are not owning.

Consider the one thing that you find most abhorrent, something you believe you would NEVER do – be very careful, because you almost certainly house some aspect of that deep within your psyche!

So the next time your inner Judge starts pointing, be kinder to yourself and curl those fingers into a yoga mudra (gesture). Bring your thumb and index finger together and slowly repeat the words ‘I am peace, you are peace, there is peace’

Judging takes up a lot of psychic energy and takes us away from the here and now. Next time you catch yourself judging, distract your mind by singing the lyrics to a favourite tune.

Constant judgements mean that we are not accepting what is, which creates conflict and creates mental turmoil.

Sack the Judge and treat yourself a to a mental holiday. Discover more peace and positivity when you retrain your brain with my positive thinking book and audio.

Enjoy!

Posted on April 22, 2016April 22, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

28 Ways To Be On Top!

How can you reach your destination if you haven’t got a map?

Do you know how to stay in adult mode?

Can you recognise the qualities and behaviours that belong to the adult part of you?

Are you becoming more adept at recognising your inner child’s behaviours and thoughts?

Can you identify when you’re in critical parent mode and use your map to snap out of it?

Add this list to your adult part and enjoy the process of growing up.

Speak your truth
Know yourself
Nurture yourself
Learn to be assertive
Eat well.
Have plenty of rest
Exercise regularly
Spend time with people who make you laugh
Remember that variety is the spice of life
Improve your confidence and self-esteem
Become more congruent shed the ‘roles’ that make you feel a phoney
If you lack it, develop integrity
Be honest and truthful with yourself and others
Spend time alone
Do what you love to do
Act as if you’re brave until you feel brave
Explore and try something different a food, exercise, or hobby
Say daily positive affirmations.
Try journaling every day.
Dump your grievances by writing therapy letters to those who have hurt you. (DON’T send them, tear them up after… it works!)
Develop an attitude of gratitude write 3 things two or three times a week that you’re grateful for.
Practice loving. Imagine you’re falling in love with yourself
Be kind and forgiving to yourself
Remind yourself it’s okay to say No
Set goals for the experiences you want to have
Upgrade your programs with hypnotherapy
Be kind and gentle with your inner child
Be firm and boundaried with your inner parent. (Don’t let it take over!)

Enjoy and let me have your feedback!

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Growing Up At Last!

This week’s blog is going to be a little brief due to me going out and kicking my heels up (that’s the adult in me!) My parent part would have me slog over this blog for a few hours longer, revisiting it over and over “until it’s right”! DeathtoStock_Creative Community7

The child/teenager in me would likely acquiesce and sit for another few hours at my desk ‘to get it right’!

The adult in me knows it’s okay to have compromise. The adult is okay with not being perfect

If you’ve been following the past few blogs where I’ve talked about the model of looking at the mind in 3 parts, the child, parent and adult parts this will all be making sense, if you’ve just landed on this blog though, you can be forgiven for wondering what I’m on about! Start reading from here

In a nutshell, we tend to run old beliefs and thoughts programmed during childhood. It’s rare that we challenge or change these thoughts and beliefs and sadly the older we get the more ingrained they become. Simply put, we believe what we’ve been told about ourselves in the past.

Identifying the adult in us and adding new thoughts, beliefs and behaviours is akin to upgrading the software! The adult part is the starting place to set goals and if you like, reinvent ourselves.

In case you missed the rationale behind why this updating is so powerful I’ll reiterate. The subconscious mind (the other 90%) believes whatever it is told. Please re-read that last line!

If like many people who start to work with this model of the mind, you feel unsure of who your adult part is, or how you want to be, have a look at one of my favourite speakers Julian Treasure and familiarise yourself with his mnemonic HAIL

Honesty

Authenticity

Integrity

Love

I’m sure you’ll agree these are worthy traits to add to your adult part. Enjoy and watch Julian’s TED talk here>

Posted on April 8, 2016April 11, 2016 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Do You Know 8 Ways To Identify Your Parent Part?

If you’re one of those rare people who was never shouted at or nagged by your parents, you are truly blessed! For the rest of us it pretty much goes with the territory of having parents and even being one.

This means there’s a part of your brain that holds all the recordings of things your parents and significant carers said or did to you. Only trouble is today you probably think these negatives are coming from you.

For most of us the ‘parent part’: –

Criticises
Judges
Has expectations.
Makes demands
Shouts
Nags
Say’s “you should”
Seems negative.

Whilst the above list is pretty universal, your individual parent part is specific and personal to you. Have you wondered why, without warning you can suddenly morph into some unrecognisable version of you? And find yourself shouting, nagging or demanding?

Have you ever wondered ‘where you’re coming from’?

If you’re lucky you may have a glimmer of reason from the adult part of you who thinks eh? What happened there, why did I suddenly flip! If you stay in the parent part you’ll just justify your behaviour. But if you dislike feeling like that and would prefer to be calm, rational and ‘adult’ the following exercise will help you to recognise the behaviours of this part sufficiently to avoid them in the future.

In your journal write the heading The Parent Part: –

Now scribble down as many messages as you can remember receiving from your parents when you were growing up. We’re only looking for the negatives here because obviously what isn’t broke doesn’t need fixing!

These messages make up your early programming, so if for example your mother tended to be meek and passive but your father had an explosive temper and shouted a lot, your list will look something like this.

Mixed up isn’t it! You can see that it isn’t always easy to understand what makes you tick. However by making an exhaustive list of your parent part messages you start to understand your programming and as a result stand more chance of being able to choose a different way of responding in the future.

So many people feel beaten up psychologically and lack self love and self-confidence. I believe one of the reasons for this, is due to old programming. Naturally unless you’re introduced to this way of working you would have no way of separating out some of the negative messages in the back of your mind. Once you’re able to allocate this thought process and that behaviour to the parent or child part, you’re free to build on the ‘adult’ aspect of you and be the person you feel you’re really meant to be.

If your ‘parent part’ shouts a lot and is also passive and meek as in the example above, what would the opposite of these behaviours be? Reasonable, rational, assertive? So your adult part might start to look like this.

Remember in an earlier blog I said the Adult is the only place where we can set goals? You may not be being assertive, relaxed, confident and calm just yet but it’s a goal and if you don’t have a goal you can’t get there!

Until next time enjoy working out where you’re coming from!

Posted on September 15, 2015December 28, 2015 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Is Your Child Running Riot?

It’s much easier to change your emotional and psychological state if you have a plan and know where to go

In my first ever blog I wrote about the inner child ruling the roost and how in the framework of the popular therapy, Transactional Analysis we can be taken over by an inner child part or inner parent part in the bat of an eye!

So having overcome my fear of the dentist some years ago. I was rather surprised to find myself wanting to burst into tears at a recent dental appointment. In my defence I had just had five very deep injections in the top and bottom of my mouth. Although it didn’t hurt at all (Martin is a very gentle dentist, details here) even more surprising, was the feeling that my tummy, arms and legs had turned to jelly and I shook from head to toe!

As I was lead out to the waiting room and ‘put on hold to numb up’ I keenly eyed the door weighing up whether or not I could make a run for it and not look back! No chance with legs like blancmange!

Hmmm I realised, this was not the thinking of an adult, more the thinking of a small child! Did you notice I used the child like-word, tummy and not the more adult adjective of stomach? This type of language also identifies a regression.

With this recognition, a slither of light shone itself on my dental despair and I began to realise that my adult self had been temporarily overshadowed by my shadow!

Early psychologists, Freud and Carl Jung had many a discussion about the persona, the ‘bright’ side, the aspect that we prefer to show to the world and also our shadow side, the darker, hidden aspect of the personality that houses among other things, our fears, repressed desires and more negative thoughts.

I’m fortunate enough to spend my days witnessing the ‘enlightenment’ of others as they get to know themselves, warts and all. Through the process of self-examination, questioning analysing and sitting with their truth, people begin to make their dark light and it is illuminating. As a result of this process we can become autonomous more comfortable with who and how we are and to feel more able to dance to our own tune.

With this thought, I sat down in the waiting room and rested a comforting hand on my stomach to soothe my nerves and silently reminded myself of my age – No, I’m not telling you! That started to ‘ground’ me and I silently continued to list all the adult things in my life such as my relationship, that I have a nice home, I drive a car, teach yoga and run a successful psychotherapy and coaching practice… and hey presto with that, I grew up again!

I’m never going love going to the dentist but I feel more positive about my next appointment and will approach it in a more conscious, adult manner and leave my inner child playing happily at home somewhere!

Get to know what makes you tick and try the following stresshack, as Freud said, Know Thyself , it’s the royal road to discovery.

Stresshack:

In your journal write the heading The Child:– and leave 3 or 4 pages free (you’ll be adding to this over time).

Now write a few examples of when you’re prone to feeling child-like.

What thought patterns do you have when you regress into child?

Aim to identify the triggers such as…’When I’m questioned at work, about a piece of work that isn’t finished, I start to feel vulnerable and small.’ Or, when I go back home and sit in the same chair that I sat in as a child I seem to regress or when dad speaks to me in that tone, I feel inadequate… You get the idea.

In order to step out of ‘child’ and back into empowered ‘ adult’ it’s important to know who that part of us is.

So now write the heading The Adult:– and leave several pages free to write up who you are when you feel grown-up, how you act when you feel that you’re in ‘adult’ mode.

Your list could be something really simple such as:

The adult wears strong colours.
I walk tall and breathe deeply when I feel adult.
The adult feels powerful when wearing a suit.
The adult exercises regularly.

It’s much easier to change your emotional and psychological state if you have a plan and know where to go. You need to ‘know’ that adult part of you in more depth in order to step into that you. Sometimes it’s as simple as changing into a more ‘grown up’ outfit (is it time to get rid of your onesie?) doing some exercise, or reminding yourself of some of some of your achievements, that will help you make the shift from one state to another.

Enjoy and let me know how you get on.

Posted on April 11, 2015August 11, 2015 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Where Are You Coming From?

My most popular blogs seem to be based around the concept that we have three programs running in the back of the mind (the subconscious mind).

That is the parent, adult and child.

Most people can relate to the concept of an inner child and can even identify some of their own childlike behaviour. I have found though that many people struggle to understand their inner parent part.

The Transactional Analysis model of psychotherapy (which I have adapted over the years to suit the way that I work with clients) tells us that these ‘parts’ or programs can take over. This is an insidious process, so it requires a real awareness to notice that it’s happened.

Before we know where we are, we’ve morphed into someone that doesn’t quite feel like us.

So it may help to think of your inner parent part as being a recording of all of the messages you picked up from your parents or significant carers in your early life. You might recognise these messages in the form of commands such as “Go to bed now” “You are not having that” “That’s not how you do it” or “No you can’t”.

Naturally everybody’s internal programs will differ because we all grew up in different households with different parents and rules.

I’m not suggesting either that because many of the parent recordings can sound a bit harsh, that your parents were wicked or unkind. But the job of a parent is to constantly teach, chivvy and control in efforts to educate us. So those parent recordings will often translate as ‘that nagging voice in the back of my mind’.

Continue reading Where Are You Coming From?

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Sue Smith — 1 Comment

Get Ahead Of The Times! Try this amazing technique if you need advice or support

Last week I asked you to write a letter to your younger teenage self offering guidance and support, or words of wisdom. Some of you wrote telling me how good it felt to get that encouragement. Thank you for the feedback!

Don’t underestimate the power of engaging with yourself in this way.

I can’t say it often enough that your subconscious mind is not time bound and does not judge.

With that in mind here’s this week’s challenge.

Continue reading Get Ahead Of The Times! Try this amazing technique if you need advice or support

Posted on March 6, 2015November 23, 2015 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

What would you say to your younger self if you had the chance?

walk-1 March 8^th is International Women’s Day and YouTubers and Twitter users are part of the #DearMe campaign that aims to ‘empower young women everywhere’. Women all over the world are writing and recording messages of advice and wisdom to their younger selves, to drive the message home.

Many psychotherapists offer similar techniques when aiming to empower clients. Having people close their eyes and imagine connecting with a younger part of themselves, then offering support, love or protection to that younger part can be an incredibly empowering and healing intervention.

This is because the subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between something real or imagined.

It lacks the power of discernment and will readily accept a new and improved version of an event (it’s a bit more complex than that, but that’s it in a nutshell). The subconscious mind is not time bound so doesn’t really recognise past or future, it just IS. As such, rescuing a hurt inner child and comforting it really does make that part of you feel better.

A lack of self-esteem partly arises from us rejecting ourselves at different points in our lives

If we have ever felt isolated, guilty, lonely, bullied, blamed or shamed we may reject that part of ourselves in an attempt to feel better. By banishing that aspect we aim to feel worthy and more loveable. That may work as a temporary measure but we are likely to feel empty and unloveable as adults unless we heal and empower these parts.

So here’s my challenge to you this week

(Oh and it isn’t just for women since I know I have some male readers too). Sit down with a pen and paper (you know my rule about being creative away from the computer) and write a letter from you now, to your younger self. Offer words of support, love and compassion.

If you really could step back in time and re-write the script and tell yourself not to worry, to recognise your skills and talents what would that letter look and sound like? Give it your best shot, imagine that you really are sitting there with the younger you, who most needs help and encouragement, try asking what that part of you really needs to feel positive and confident then take a few moments to listen, really listen to the inner response from that part. You might be surprised what comes up.

Here’s a clip from my letter to a younger part…” continue to care about others, Sue, that’s a really nice aspect of you, and make sure that you care about yourself just as much too. It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.”

Let me know how you get on. If you need extra help try Stress Free With Confidence or Super Charge Your Self Esteem from the shop.

Suex

Posted on February 15, 2015February 18, 2020 by Sue Smith — Leave a comment

Oh Grow Up! Do you know someone who still behaves like a child?

The parent, child or adult? Where are you coming from?

In the iconic film ‘Arthur’ starring Dudley Moore, there was a fantastic line where the butler played by the inimitable Sir John Gielgud says to his charge “Oh for heavens sake Arthur, grow up.” Dudley Moore who was around 5ft 2in (1.9m) and plays a spoilt, reckless, playboy drunkenly replies, “that’s alright for you to say, you haven’t got 10 pairs of short trousers hanging in your wardrobe!”

Arthur is a man who has never grown up. His childlike lack of responsibility, whilst endearing, doesn’t bode well for his taking over the family business and its fortunes.

Have you ever had a situation where you think you’re having an honest adult conversation with someone – your spouse, partner, friend or colleague – to have them suddenly turn it around on you and play the victim, the martyr or the child?

Or perhaps they become critical and judgemental, playing the dictator, the bully or the disapproving parent? Do you stay grounded and grown up in the face of this or do you get confused and shrink inwardly into child or morph into some critical, judgemental imitation of a grumpy parent?

We can probably all recall situations where we have reacted unreasonably or in a way that we don’t quite understand and can’t shake ourselves out of. Why is that?

In the therapeutic approach of Transactional Analysis, we are encouraged to view the psyche as having 3 main programs, a child part, a parent part and an adult part.

The Child

As a guideline, the child part may be identified more easily by ‘feelings’. As an example, strong feelings of being picked on or bullied, feeling little and unable to speak out or stand up for yourself may manifest as fear in the body maybe making it difficult to breathe. The feelings can be paralysing to the extent that we are unable to respond in a confident adult manner.

The Parent

Again only as a guideline the parent part could be identified by the word ‘should’ you should do this or that. Parents and teachers spend a lifetime telling children how to behave, so the inner parent part can sometimes translate internally as quite stern, critical or judgemental.

The parent part maybe a very demanding part constantly wanting more or better from us. So as a marker when you identify the word ‘should’ in your inner chatter, you may have slipped out of an ‘adult’ who actually has a choice.

The Adult

In exploring this model you be forgiven for thinking ‘I don’t know if I know who my adult part is!’ The adult part is who you really want to be and who you are when you feel more comfortable with yourself and a little more self-accepting. It’s the you who is comfortable with your truth even if that truth differs from other people’s versions!

So how can we grow up? One way is to learn some assertive skills, read a book, take a course, google it and practise the techniques.

A short cut to assertiveness is to communicate honestly within ourselves first, in order to discover our truth.

Find a quiet moment and ask yourself ‘what do I really want, need or believe in order to totally honour and respect myself first in this situation?” Listen carefully for your answer then when you’ve worked out what you need to do, pick a time to communicate that as openly and honestly to the other people involved. Preface it with the opening lines… “can I be honest with you?” Let’s face it, it’s unlikely anyone will say, Oh no would you lie please!

Other people are not responsible for how you feel and you are not responsible for other people’s feelings – although naturally it is kind to employ tact, diplomacy and consideration for others.

One of my mentors Liz, always says ‘when we do what is right for ourselves, it is usually what is right for the other person in the situation’. Remembering this tip may help us to remain adult when others around us are behaving irrationally.

Anyhow one things for sure, as you get to know your assertive adult self there sure will be plenty of opportunities for you to practise staying in that state.

Enjoy and remember we love to hear your feedback.