Tag: Inner Child

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Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Do you avoid doing jobs because the thought of it stresses you out? Do you give up on your health regime after that first glass of wine? Are you late for things simply because you didn’t leave on time? Chances are you’re letting your inner child take control of your life…
I know, I know, you start out with really good intentions at the begining of the week. You’re going to eat sensible, healthy foods. And yet by Tuesday you’re on your second take-away.

Have you ever considered that your inner child has taken over and is running the show!

Who's In Charge You Or Your Child? Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life - The Stresshacker

What Happens When You Let Your Inner Child Rule

That inner whining often goes something like this: “it’s not fair, I’m tired, I don’t want to work, I can’t be bothered to go shopping, I need a treat now, I deserve it!” And giving in to it means that you – the adult – are no longer in charge. Let’s face it if you were, you might be able to have a more grown-up conversation with yourself!

Your inner adult might say something like: “I know you feel like you deserve a treat, but if you do eat those crisps or drink that extra glass of wine, your workout at the gym will feel even harder and ultimately the dress you want to look stunning in next weekend will feel tight and uncomfortable. You’re just hungry let’s get something yummy and healthy to eat right now and if you still want crisps after you can have them!”

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What is inner child work and why do it?

HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD

Inner child work is an extremely profound way of empowering yourself, it is a way of re-writing your personal script, your story and enables you to make positive changes in the way that you think and feel.

Before I lose some of the more scientific among you, let me start with the logic and rationale as to how and why this type of work does work!

Your long-term memory, also known in hypnotherapy as the subconscious  mind and in psychotherapy, the unconscious mind has many jobs to do. One of its main directives however is to store information, regardless of whether it’s true or false.

The subconscious mind has no understanding of past or future, so memories are held ‘in state’ i.e. in the way that you experienced them at that given moment in time, yet they are simultaneously in the here and now.

Clients often tell me how invalidating and annoying it is  to be told “ but that happened years ago, why don’t you let it go and move on.” It may well be that something happened years ago, but as far as your subconscious mind is concerned it is still happening at an emotional level. The feelings from the memory are constantly replaying at a physiological level. Your body is still replaying the fear, the anxiety that the bullying caused. Get it?

The main filing system of the subconscious mind is symbols, pictures and images.

Therefore the best way to work with the subconscious mind is in imagery. Let me explain.IMG_6372

Let’s suppose you have a bad memory, something unpleasant that happened to you when you were twelve. Let’s say you were bullied at school. No matter how many times you look at that memory, you are the victim of the bullying. So why would you want to keep revisiting it? The only reason to revisit an unpleasant memory is to change it, rearrange it and put it back into the subconscious mind in a way that leaves you feeling empowered and if you like, the victor, as opposed to the victim. This works because the subconscious (unconscious mind) believes whatever it’s told!

So we might work with the twelve year old ‘victim’ by revisiting the memory, only this time imagining that your older self walks back into the school room and gives the bully a real talking to, maybe even incapacitates the bully (whatever feels right and justified to you). The adult you can then take the twelve year old by the hand and lead them out of the classroom and take them somewhere safe and secure.

Once there, your older self can engage with the twelve year old encouraging a two-way communication. This means asking the inner twelve year old a question and waiting to sense the response rather than assuming you as an adult knows what that younger you needs.

Often the younger part needs a hug, or to feel loved or heard. In your imagination give the younger you whatever it is they’re asking for, in the best way you can imagine.

Often, whilst in the process of reframing we may have an emotional release. It’s an opportunity to let go of the feelings bound up with that memory. This ‘clearing’ out of old emotions is what feels so healing. We are left with a sense of inner space and a deeper sense of peace.

This talking to yourself silently can feel a bit odd at first but you get better at it as time goes on.

How to:

So you might close your eyes simply stare at the floor.

Invite yourself to go back in time to that memory and begin to run it as I’ve suggested above or in whatever way feels like an appropriate positive reframe for you. The aim is to get the ‘stuck’ or ‘victim’ part of you out of that situation and move them to a better place (albeit in your mind/imagination).

I’ll say it again, this works because the subconscious (unconscious mind) believes whatever it’s told! Simples!

Please do not attempt to do this work with highly abusive memories. If you were subject to abuse or long-term neglect or bullying please find a professional therapist to work with.

HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD

As an aid to this technique I have made a download called Healing Your Inner Child, which will guide you to reframe negative memories. Again I add the caution that this it is not an appropriate tool for long term abuse or neglect in childhood. You will be better served to work one-to-one with a professional therapist or counsellor.

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Oh Grow Up! Do you know someone who still behaves like a child?

arthurThe parent, child or adult? Where are you coming from?

In the iconic film ‘Arthur’ starring Dudley Moore, there was a fantastic line where the butler played by the inimitable Sir John Gielgud says to his charge “Oh for heavens sake Arthur, grow up.” Dudley Moore who was around 5ft 2in (1.9m) and plays a spoilt, reckless, playboy drunkenly replies, “that’s alright for you to say, you haven’t got 10 pairs of short trousers hanging in your wardrobe!”

Arthur is a man who has never grown up. His childlike lack of responsibility, whilst endearing, doesn’t bode well for his taking over the family business and its fortunes.

Have you ever had a situation where you think you’re having an honest adult conversation with someone – your spouse, partner, friend or colleague – to have them suddenly turn it around on you and play the victim, the martyr or the child?

Or perhaps they become critical and judgemental, playing the dictator, the bully or the disapproving parent? Do you stay grounded and grown up in the face of this or do you get confused and shrink inwardly into child or morph into some critical, judgemental imitation of  a grumpy parent?

We can probably all recall situations where we have reacted unreasonably or in a way that we don’t quite understand and can’t shake ourselves out of.  Why is that?

In the therapeutic approach of Transactional Analysis, we are encouraged to view the psyche as having 3 main programs, a child part, a parent part and an adult part.

The Child

As a guideline, the child part may be identified more easily by ‘feelings’. As an example, strong feelings of being picked on or bullied,  feeling little and unable to speak out or stand up for  yourself  may manifest as fear  in the body maybe making it difficult to breathe. The feelings can be paralysing to the extent that we are unable to respond in a confident adult manner.

Related: Stop Letting Your Inner Child Rule your Life.

The Parent

Again only as a guideline the parent part could be identified by the word ‘should’ you should do this or that. Parents and teachers spend a lifetime telling children how to behave, so the inner parent part can sometimes translate internally as  quite stern, critical or judgemental.

The parent part maybe a very demanding part constantly wanting more or better from us. So as a marker when you identify the word ‘should’ in your inner chatter, you may have slipped out of an ‘adult’ who actually has a choice.

The Adult

In exploring this model you be forgiven for thinking  ‘I don’t know if I know who my adult part is!’  The adult part is who you really want to be and who you are when you feel more comfortable with yourself and a little  more self-accepting. It’s the you who is comfortable with your truth even if that truth differs from other people’s versions!

So how can we grow up? One way is to learn some assertive skills, read a book, take a course, google it and practise the techniques.

A short cut to assertiveness is to communicate honestly within ourselves first, in order to discover our truth.

Find a quiet moment and ask yourself ‘what do I really want, need or believe in order to totally honour and respect myself first in this situation?” Listen carefully for your answer  then when you’ve worked out  what you need to do,  pick a time to communicate that as openly and honestly to the other people involved. Preface it with the opening lines… “can I be honest with you?”  Let’s face it, it’s unlikely anyone will say, Oh no would you lie please!

Other people are not responsible for how you feel and you are not responsible for other people’s feelings – although naturally it is kind to employ tact, diplomacy and consideration for others.

One of my mentors Liz, always says ‘when we do what is right for ourselves, it is usually what is right for the other person in the situation’. Remembering this tip may help us to remain adult when others around us are behaving irrationally.

Anyhow one things for sure, as you get to know your assertive adult self there sure will be plenty of opportunities for you to practise staying in that state.

Enjoy and remember we love to hear your feedback.

Suex

PS. If you enjoyed that, you might like this: Why do I revert to child-like behaviour?

Recommended Reading & Listening:

Healing your inner child – This short and gentle program will guide you to empower yourself by showing you how to heal your inner child from past wounds.

Can’t Get Your Work Done? Here’s How To Hit Those Deadlines – A look at how your Inner Parent and Child can make getting your work done harder than it needs to be – and some tips on how to deal with it.

HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD

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Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life

Do you avoid doing jobs because the thought of it stresses you out? Do you eat too many bars of chocolate when you promised to eat healthily? Are you late for things simply because you didn’t leave on time? Chances are you’re letting your inner child take control of your life…

I know, I know, you start out with really good intentions at the begining of the week. You’re going to eat sensible, healthy foods. And yet by Tuesday you’re on your second take-away.

It sounds like your inner child has taken over and is running the show!

Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life - The Stresshacker - Sue Smith

What Happens When You Let Your Inner Child Rule

That inner whining often goes something like this: “it’s not fair, I’m tired, I don’t want to work, I can’t be bothered to go shopping, I need a treat now, I deserve it!” And giving in to it means that you – the adult – are no longer in charge. Let’s face it if you were, you might be able to have a more grown-up conversation with yourself!

Your inner adult might say something like: “I know you feel like you deserve a treat, but if you do eat those crisps or drink that extra glass of wine, your workout at the gym will feel even harder and ultimately the dress you want to look stunning in next weekend will feel tight and uncomfortable. You’re just hungry let’s get something yummy and healthy to eat right now and if you still want crisps after you can have them!”

Continue reading Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life