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Judging Ourselves and Others: How To Break The Habit

Pointing Finger of Judgement

Are You Sick Of Judging?

Judging ourselves and others can become a habit.

When Louisa was younger she used to love people watching with her sister when they were in the car. They would take it in turns to pick out a stranger who they would judge and criticise for something, each trying to out-do the other with insults.

When she was older Louisa felt more and more uncomfortable indulging in what had once felt like harmless fun.

She’d reasoned as a teenager that it didn’t hurt anyone because the strangers couldn’t hear them and it eased their boredom.

Years later however Louisa recognised that the discomfort she felt stemmed, not only from being mean to innocent strangers, but also because of what it told her about herself and her attitudes.

What our judgements say about us

If you can be unkind about a stranger, how mean are you to yourself? Do you spend a lot of  time criticising the way your friends and colleagues behave? Then you’re probably  harsh and critical about yourself.

Judging others means you’re judging yourself. When we point the finger of blame or judgment at another, you’ll notice three fingers pointing back at yourself. We levy a much heavier burden of judgment on ourselves when we judge others.

In life we tend to attract mirrors of ourselves, in our partners, friends and colleagues.

Look at the things in others that you like or dislike, love or hate, you’ll discover that they are aspects about yourself that you are not owning.

Consider the one thing that you find most abhorrent, something you believe you would NEVER do – be very careful, because you almost certainly house some aspect of that deep within your psyche!

So the next time your inner Judge starts pointing, be kinder to yourself and curl those fingers into a yoga mudra (gesture). Bring your thumb and index finger together and slowly repeat the words ‘I am peace, you are peace, there is peace’

Judging takes up a lot of psychic energy and takes us away from the here and now. Next time you catch yourself judging, distract your mind by singing the lyrics to a favourite tune.

Constant judgements mean that we are not accepting what is, which creates conflict and  creates mental turmoil.

Sack the Judge and treat yourself a to a mental holiday. Discover more peace and positivity when you retrain your brain with my positive thinking book and audio.

Enjoy!

 

 

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Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

Do you avoid doing jobs because the thought of it stresses you out? Do you give up on your health regime after that first glass of wine? Are you late for things simply because you didn’t leave on time? Chances are you’re letting your inner child take control of your life…
I know, I know, you start out with really good intentions at the begining of the week. You’re going to eat sensible, healthy foods. And yet by Tuesday you’re on your second take-away.

Have you ever considered that your inner child has taken over and is running the show!

Who's In Charge You Or Your Child? Stop Letting Your Child Rule Your Life - The Stresshacker

What Happens When You Let Your Inner Child Rule

That inner whining often goes something like this: “it’s not fair, I’m tired, I don’t want to work, I can’t be bothered to go shopping, I need a treat now, I deserve it!” And giving in to it means that you – the adult – are no longer in charge. Let’s face it if you were, you might be able to have a more grown-up conversation with yourself!

Your inner adult might say something like: “I know you feel like you deserve a treat, but if you do eat those crisps or drink that extra glass of wine, your workout at the gym will feel even harder and ultimately the dress you want to look stunning in next weekend will feel tight and uncomfortable. You’re just hungry let’s get something yummy and healthy to eat right now and if you still want crisps after you can have them!”

Continue reading Who’s In Charge You Or Your Child?

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28 Ways To Be On Top!

28 ways to be on top

How can you reach your destination if you haven’t got a map?

Do you know how to stay in adult mode?

Can you recognise the qualities and behaviours that belong to the adult part of you?

Are you becoming more adept at recognising your inner child’s behaviours and thoughts?

Can you identify when you’re in critical parent mode and use your map to snap out of it?

Add this list to your adult part and enjoy the process of growing up.

  1. Speak your truth
  2. Know yourself
  3. Nurture yourself
  4. Learn to be assertive
  5. Eat well.
  6. Have plenty of rest
  7. Exercise regularly
  8. Spend time with people who make you laugh
  9. Remember that variety is the spice of life
  10. Improve your confidence and self-esteem
  11. Become more congruent shed the ‘roles’ that make you feel a phoney
  12. If you lack it, develop integrity
  13. Be honest and truthful with yourself and others
  14. Spend time alone
  15. Do what you love to do
  16. Act as if you’re brave until you feel brave
  17. Explore and try something different a food, exercise, or hobby
  18. Say daily positive affirmations.
  19. Try journaling every day.
  20. Dump your grievances by writing therapy letters to those who have hurt you. (DON’T send them, tear them up after… it works!)
  21. Develop an attitude of gratitude write 3 things two or three times a week that you’re grateful for.
  22. Practice loving. Imagine you’re falling in love with yourself
  23. Be kind and forgiving to yourself
  24. Remind yourself it’s okay to say No
  25. Set goals for the experiences you want to have
  26. Upgrade your programs with hypnotherapy
  27. Be kind and gentle with your inner child
  28. Be firm and boundaried with your inner parent. (Don’t let it take over!)

Enjoy and let me have your feedback!

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Where Are You Coming From?

angry-womanMy most popular blogs seem to be based around the concept that we have three programs running in the back of the mind (the subconscious mind).

That is the parent, adult and child.

Most people can relate to the concept of an inner child and can even identify some of their own childlike behaviour. I have found though that many people struggle to understand their inner parent part.

The Transactional Analysis model of psychotherapy (which I have adapted over the years to suit the way that I work with clients) tells us that these ‘parts’ or programs can take over. This is an insidious process, so it requires a real awareness to notice that it’s happened.

Before we know where we are, we’ve morphed into someone that doesn’t quite feel like us.

So it may help to think of your inner parent part as being a recording of all of the messages you picked up from your parents or significant carers in your early life. You might recognise these messages in the form of commands such as “Go to bed now” “You are not having that” That’s not how you do it” or “No you can’t”.

Naturally everybody’s internal programs will differ because we all grew up in different households with different parents and rules.

I’m not suggesting either that because many of the parent recordings can sound a bit harsh, that your parents were wicked or unkind. But the job of a parent is to constantly teach, chivvy and control in efforts to educate us. So those parent recordings will often translate as ‘that nagging voice in the back of my mind’.

Continue reading Where Are You Coming From?

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Oh Grow Up! Do you know someone who still behaves like a child?

arthurThe parent, child or adult? Where are you coming from?

In the iconic film ‘Arthur’ starring Dudley Moore, there was a fantastic line where the butler played by the inimitable Sir John Gielgud says to his charge “Oh for heavens sake Arthur, grow up.” Dudley Moore who was around 5ft 2in (1.9m) and plays a spoilt, reckless, playboy drunkenly replies, “that’s alright for you to say, you haven’t got 10 pairs of short trousers hanging in your wardrobe!”

Arthur is a man who has never grown up. His childlike lack of responsibility, whilst endearing, doesn’t bode well for his taking over the family business and its fortunes.

Have you ever had a situation where you think you’re having an honest adult conversation with someone – your spouse, partner, friend or colleague – to have them suddenly turn it around on you and play the victim, the martyr or the child?

Continue reading Oh Grow Up! Do you know someone who still behaves like a child?