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How Do You Like Your Love?

Are you lucky in love? Do you feel loving and loved?How Do You Like Your Love? - The Stresshacker / Sue Smith

Sometimes when we lose confidence we  shut down in areas of the body to protect ourselves. Many a person who has been hurt in a relationship will unconsciously create an invisible barrier around their heart to protect themselves from being hurt again.

Later they feel frustrated because they can’t find a loving relationship. It’s confidence that’s needed, the confidence to love the self first, before being able to open up again to someone new.

Love and compassion begin at home.

How Do You Like Your Love? - The Stresshacker / Sue SmithWhen you love yourself fully and freely it’s easier to love others boundlessly. So fill your cup, practise better self-love and nurturing now.  Be kind and gentle to yourself and treat yourself with the love and respect you would afford another.

Here’s an exercise that will start the process and help you to open your heart.

Take a moment to think about someone you love… it’s OK if that’s your dog or cat!  Think about what you would say to them if this were your last opportunity to let them know how much they mean to you.  If you can’t think of anyone you love. Imagine how it would feel to really love someone. Imagine a flow of warmth circulating around your chest and flowing out to that someone special.

Come on do it now … just see how it feels to write down exactly what you would say, express your love as openly and honestly as you can without restriction. Remember write don’t type, it’s an entirely different and more positive experience when we put pen to paper.

Turn it around now and pretend someone has sent this letter to you, read it out-loud to yourself seven times. Really anchor these sentiments.

What we say to ourselves becomes true for ourselves. It’s true and that’s because the bigger part of your mind (the other 90%) absolutely believes what it’s told. That is such a valuable piece of information I have to repeat it. YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND BELIEVES WHATEVER IT IS TOLD!

Affirmations work! Really they do, but don’t take my word for it practice them yourself and see the results… try the following

“I am open and receptive to a warm loving, respectful relationship”

“I attract a positive loving man/woman into my life”

“All my relationships are harmonious”

The more resistance you feel to saying affirmations the more likely you are to need them and do you know something? It really doesn’t matter whether you believe them or not because your unconscious mind does.

Once upon a time you didn’t know that 2 + 2 = 4 you repeated it often enough to know that it was true. You also didn’t know your alphabet until you practiced it over and over. If you’re good at reading, it’s because you read a lot! Repetition is the mother of all skill.

Affirmations work!

… “My heart is open and receptive to love and happiness” go on try saying it a few times; notice how it makes you feel. Good Right!

According to author Professor Richard Wiseman in his best selling book The Luck Factor you make your own luck.

Set about making your own luck by building the confidence and self-belief you need to find love. Take the short cut to building self esteem by listening to my Super Charge Your Confidence program and then top it up by reading my popular eBook Super Charge Your Confidence. Seven Simple Steps To Boost Your Confidence Self Esteem and Control

If you’re struggling to find love and feel blocked or numb around your heart area, practice these two yoga stretches on daily basis.

Yoga Technique 1: The Windmill

Stand with feet hip width apart soften the knees raise your arms out to the side at shoulder level and keep them there.  Keep your hips facing forwards and turn your trunk and arms to the left, keeping your arms straight and at shoulder height, fix your gaze on the fingers of the back hand. Turn back to the centre and repeat to the right. Keep your gaze fixed on the fingers of the back-hand. Repeat 10 times. Stop if you feel dizzy

Yoga Technique 2: The Chest Opener

Stand with feet hip width apart and bring your arms behind your back and clasp hands together. Draw your shoulder blades together and imagine you could slide them down your back toward the floor, now lift and lengthen up through the front of the body and take a gentle stretch backwards sending hands and arms toward the floor but keep them in touch with the back body. DO NOT take your head back unless you are certain that you have no problems with your neck.

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RAPE OF THE HEART

Many years ago, I did some work with the dynamic authors and couple therapists Helena Lovendal and Nick Duffell. This is where I first heard the term ‘rape of the heart’. A phrase afforded to the men who as boys, became the confidante and major source of emotional support to their mothers.

This can happen for a variety of reasons, though fundamentally as a result of the father being absent whether literally as in dead, estranged from the family, unavailable due to work commitments or more often emotionally absent. This coupled with needy or emotionally stunted mothers, sets the scene for a ‘rape of the heart’.

Similarly to girls, boys have a heightened awareness and sensitivity to their mothers needs. By the time a boy is 5 years old, he is said to know all of his mothers unfulfilled dreams and heartaches. This is mentally confusing and emotionally too much for their hearts to bear. In an effort to survive psychically, they detach themselves in favour of climbing trees and kicking footballs.

In this detachment they shut down their hearts for protection, not wanting to continue the painful connection because ultimately they cannot meet the needs of their mother or fix her pain. The fact that it is not their place to do so, is beyond their comprehension. The already emotionally overburdened boy, carries a sense of guilt for not being able to be the ‘man’ his mother needs.

Disappointed and disillusioned with the ‘absent’ husband,  the mother can unconsciously or consciously place both insidious and overt demands on her son to ‘hold the space’ emotionally for her.  This makes contributes hugely to the later failure in his relationships and the subsequent emotional and psychological pain and torment that can plague his life.

Fast forward 30 odd years. The boy, now a man, is in a troubled relationship. Sitting in front of me with his partner, I ask what they want from therapy.  He says with a pained expression “I just want her to be happy” she says with frustration “ He doesn’t get me because he never really listens to me”. Neither of them can understand what went wrong. Both tell me how much in love and happy they were in the beginning. They thought they were a perfect match.

Naturally it will take time for them to explore their dynamic and to understand some of the more subtle issues in their relationship.

If he is able to grasp the concept that the closer he and his partner become and the more intimate their relationship, the more threatening this feels for him at a deeper unconscious level. His visceral memory associates closeness and intimacy with the deep emotional wound of not being ‘enough’ for his mother.

As his partner opens up to him, expecting connection because for her, this is the foreplay, the intimacy.  He instinctively pulls away and shuts down. He is fearful that he wont be able to  ‘fix’ his partner, so it’s easier for him to disconnect.   As this unconscious reflection plays out in their relationship it threatens their connection.

Once he gains understanding and insight of this unconscious programming, he can start to clear the mental fog of confusion and become more congruent. In time he learns to feel more comfortable with the intimacy and improves his communication with his partner.

If you have found this article thought provoking please feel free to pass it on to anyone who you think would be interested too.

 

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3 Winter Boosts

Are you sick of feeling unwell?

At this time of year just about every other person you speak to is suffering with head colds, chest colds that seem to cling on so I thought I would share a couple of ayurvedic tips that I’ve used on and off for sometime and found really helpful.

1. This is a great tonic for the lungs, blood and bones so can help with general aches and pains, sluggish digestion, and wheezy chesty coughs.

¼ teaspoon of turmeric

½ teaspoon of cinnamon

½ teaspoon of apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon of honey

Stirred into ¾’s of a glass of warm water and drink on an empty stomach first thing in the morning. It’s best to drink this through a straw so that the enamel your teeth are protected from the vinegar.

2. Cold? This a really great way to warm up if you really feel the cold or get dry, chapped skin.

Take some sesame oil (Neutrogena used to make a nice light one, if not available use sesame cooking oil) and warm it in a microwave or on a pan of water. Gently massage your entire body with the warmed oil. Make sure you include your ears, scalp, finger-nails, toes etc. Allow some time for the oil to be absorbed into the body before bathing or showering. It goes without saying be really careful you will be slippery! I guarantee you will feel amazing afterwards, really nutured and comfy.

3. Wake up your inner pharmacy!

My last tip is a bit of a plug but I wanted to share it as I’ve had some really fantastic feedback from clients and students about it and that’s my own Healing Now download. Once you’ve downloaded it from the shop you can transfer it to your phone and play it at night as you drift off to sleep,  it will create a positive mindset to kick-start your own inner healing. You can also use it to boost yourself up, if for example you’ve just got in from work and have to go out again in the evening.

So that’s it 3 tips to fight off the winter blues and stay empowered. Thanks for reading.

Enjoy and let me know how you get on.

Sue x

 

 

 

 

 

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Are you ready for Christmas?

I know, you probably don’t want to hear that it’s about five weeks until the Christmas holidays, but it is!

santaWhat kind of Christmas would you really like to have?

Try the following exercise to ensure that you get as close to that desirable Christmas as possible.

Close your eyes and in your imagination take yourself forward to the end of January. From there look back at Christmas, what was it like? What images come to mind? Do they seem light and bright or heavy and dark? Are they moving and buoyant or listless and stationary? What if anything can you hear? Are they nice pleasant words and conversations or disagreements? How do you feel as you look back at Christmas do you feel happy and peaceful, rested in your body? Or agitated and unsettled? Do you have any regrets? In retrospect do you wish you had been kinder or more patient? Do you wish you’d drunk less or eaten less? Do you wish you had seen more of some of your friends and less of your family or more of your family and less of your friends? As you look back do you wish you had given more time to someone? If you could change something … and that change must be dependant upon you doing something differently, what would that change be?

Now open your eyes and give some thought to what you want your Christmas to be like. Perhaps start from a selfish perspective and aim to honour yourself and your needs and desires by asking yourself “what do I want, what do I need”. Once you know this, you can begin to look at any compromise needed to accommodate those you love and care about.

Traditionally Christmas is a time of giving and it’s important to give time to ourselves and attend to our own needs, so that we have something left over to give to others in an authentic genuine way. If you martyr yourself by running yourself ragged to make sure that everyone else is happy, will you genuinely enjoy the Christmas break? Or will you harbour resentment because you didn’t do the things that you wanted to do?

In an effort to know what you really want to do why not Spend 5 minutes answering these questions.

At an unconscious level people are able to sniff out inauthenticity so remember to take care of yourself  as well as you take care of others.

On the other hand if you party right up to  Christmas Eve and then travel home depositing yourself on your family’s doorstep expecting to use the time to recover and be taken care of … maybe it’s time to be a little less selfish and think about how you can help out and make this a great Christmas for all of your family.

I know it maybe seems a bit early to consider these things but if you wait until nearer the time, you just might find that you say yes when you mean to say no and end up feeling dissatisfied with how you spend your time so give yourself some space to consider what you want and need.

You might find my survival tips for a stress-free Christmas handy too.

Enjoy.

 

 

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What Would You Achieve If You Knew You Couldn’t Fail?

Zig Ziglar

I frequently get asked by leaders and managers how they can stay motivated. This week, I was talking to a sales director who was asking why he had to constantly motivate his teams and I was reminded of this quote by Zig Ziglar:

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

In these challenging times, motivation is critical for personal, family and business success. Getting and staying motivated — both individually and as a family or team — is essential. People often see motivation as something that happens to you, either you are or you aren’t, but it doesn’t work like that.

Motivated employees produce better results. Motivated teams are more productive. Motivated families feel more content. Getting and staying motivated is something you need to work on consistently. It is something that you need to work on every day, every week and every month.

Finding your why

Individuals can motivate themselves more effectively by better understanding why they do what they do. They already know the ‘what’ of their role and the ‘how’ they do their jobs but what is their core ‘reason’?

What is really essential is to question the ‘why’ or the ‘reason’ you do what you do. Check out this amazing TED talk by Simon Sinek to find out more.

So, start to inspire yourself by setting your goals in writing (journaling your successes gives you a different relationship with your goals, is easy to do and reaps massive rewards) and remember to reward yourself every time you achieve a goal no matter how small. It makes a difference.

The business of happy teams and families

And remember, this is about your personal life as much as your working life. There’s a growing “Family Inc.” movement at the moment: that is, families that are run like businesses. Bruce Feiler recently wrote about the “business of happy families” in the Wall Street Journal and Patrick Lencioni’s “Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family” explores how many business principles can be brought into the home.

Teams and families can be motivated through inspirational meetings, team building exercises and development, to name just three easy methods. Happy teams and families are more productive and feel more valued. In fact, individuals who feel valued at work give around 18% extra discretionary effort.

Whatever strategy you choose it is not something that you can do once and then forget. It’s something you have to work on every day and every week. Regular meetings, updated business plans and goals  (yes, even with your family) will help to keep you on track and identify where further motivation is needed.

What can you do now to improve your and your team or family’s motivation levels today?

Recommended reading:

Change ONE thing in your relationship today. If what you’re doing isn’t working, do anything else at all.

The importance of positive people. Why it’s time to do a friend inventory.