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Anger Management

Ever wondered why you’re so quick to anger?

Losing it‘ signifies much deeper underlying issues such as loss and grief.   Anger forms part of the bereavement cycle?Anger Management The Stresshacker Sue Smith

When I discuss this with clients I’m often told “But I haven’t had a bereavement. I just flare up for no reason.”  Yet they’ll go on to identify loss. Loss of their dreams, a relationship or a part of themselves in childhood.

The emotion of anger usually covers fear and the bottom line is that fear centres around feeling unloved or unloveable.

Many a child has felt humiliation and shame at being shouted at and rejected by an angry parent however temporary.

Whilst parents are not saints and don’t come equipped with the perfect parent handbook it’s safe to say that most parents intend to do their best.

Women appear to adjust to parenthood more quickly as they navigate bodily changes and fluctuation in emotions during pregnancy.  Whereas men’s bonding often starts when the child is  older.

Both will grieve the loss of their previous lifestyle – their job, friends and colleagues. It’s natural to feel anger in these circumstance.

In Psychotherapy, Transactional Analysis is a model that  suggests that we have 3 main parts in our psyche.  The Parent, Adult and Child.

Your guide book for how to be a parent is a direct result of how you were treated by your parents. What they said and did becomes your inner map, voice and reactions.

You may blindly follow your guide book or totally reject it by doing  the opposite.  More commonly people cobble together bits of both in an effort to ‘get it right‘.

All that’s needed is a trigger. You’ve asked your child patiently for the fifth time to pick up their towel from the bathroom floor, the anger explodes and you’re shouting and screaming at them.

You don’t have to be an actual parent to follow your map either. When you get angry with yourself and judge yourself harshly? That inner critic is your parent part.

How does a child feel, who’s been bullied?  Worthless and unloveable.  Your inner child feels exactly the same after an internal battering.

How To Manage That Anger

The key is to develop a healthier adult part.

Risk being vulnerable and explore your losses. Make time and space to have more authentic honest conversations with trusted friends, partners and therapists.

It is possible to diminish anger and bear the losses. It is possible to feel in control and to like how you talk to yourself and others.

Here’s a few starting points that will help.

Develop the tools of mindfulness. Use your breath to ground you in the present and to stop you reacting like a victimised child or a volatile parent.

Work on rebuilding your self esteem so that you are more able to tolerate the emotions.

Do you want a shortcut to that? Update the software of your mind and listen to Stress Free With  Confidence, or Assertiveness Now rapidly reprogram your subconscious mind to build a stronger autonomous adult part.

Let me know your thoughts.

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10 Ways To Dissolve Frustration

Do you often feel irritated, agitated and on the ‘edge’ of losing it?angry-woman

Anger plays a part in a bigger picture of loss. So what’s changed recently, what have you lost? A loved one, a job, relationship, house? The disappointment of your own expectations? Maybe you’ve gone so far into a ‘role’ that you’ve actually lost yourself. In which case you’ll need to find your way home again to remembering who you really are.

Begin by acknowledging what you might be grieving, then move onto the following 10 ways to address feelings of frustration and anger.

1.  Write, on a sheet of paper, “I’m angry because…” and write a list of 50 things that come to mind. The exercise in itself will be enlightening and then see if there is anything you can actually do to change the irritating factor. If you can’t, then you might just have to do a bit of growing up and work on accepting what you can’t change.

2. Write a letter (by hand) to the person you feel angry with (even if they are no longer alive) and tear it up into lots of pieces when you have finished.

3. Sing or whistle – it helps you to breathe out; at the end of the sound you have to take a deep breath in again.

4. Repeat, silently, “I am calm and relaxed I am at ease” (even if you’re not feeling it!)

5. Lie on the floor with knees bent and feet flat on the floor, pull your belly button back toward your spine and thump your  feet up and down on the floor and move them from side to side. Make fists and thump them on the floor too.

6. Look up EFT for anger on YouTube  there’s loads of videos that will help you learn how to use this amazing technique.

7. If you’re stuck in traffic, take a deep breath in, and as you breathe out make a loud HAAAAA sound.

8. Tell yourself “This feeling will pass”.

This feeling will pass

9. Find somewhere quiet and take time out to listen to Stress Free With Confidence.

10. Think about what might be causing your anger. Try this simple thought exercise to get to the bottom of your feelings: How to lose your baggage and lighten up.

If you know someone who could use these tips, please forward the email and have them sign up to receive free relaxation and meditation downloads… make sure you’ve claimed yours too.

 

 

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10 Top Tips For Dealing With Frustration

Did you know that anger can be an indicator of bereavement and grief? That is, you are experiencing some sort of loss. That could be loss of someone close to you, as in death or divorce, or even the loss involved when moving home or a job change or redundancy.

Just acknowledging this can be a start in managing anger.

Here  are some of my favourite tips to help reduce or manage feelings of frustration and annoyance:

1.  Write, on a sheet of paper, “I’m angry because…” and write a list of 50 things that come to mind. The exercise in itself will be enlightening and then see if there is anything you can actually do to change the irritating factor. If you can’t, then you might just have to do a bit of growing up and work on accepting what you can’t change.

2. Write a letter (by hand) to the person you feel angry with (even if they are no longer alive) and tear it up into lots of pieces when you have finished.

3. Sing or whistle – it helps you to breathe out; at the end of the sound you have to take a deep breath in again.

4. Repeat, silently, “I am calm and relaxed I am at ease” (even if you’re not feeling it!)

5. Lie on the floor with knees bent and feet flat on the floor, and bang the feet up and down tapping them from side to side.

6. Look up EFT on YouTube and Google it: there is a ton of free information that will help you learn how to do this amazing technique.

7. If you’re stuck in traffic, take a deep breath in, and as you breathe out make a loud HAAAAA sound.

8. Tell yourself that this feeling will pass.

9. Find a quiet room and take time out to listen to a relaxation or stress management recording. (We have one in our shop if you need one

10. Think about what might be causing your anger. Try this simple thought exercise to get to the bottom of your feelings: How to lose your baggage and lighten up.