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Anger Management

Ever wondered why you’re so quick to anger?

Losing it‘ signifies much deeper underlying issues such as loss and grief.   Anger forms part of the bereavement cycle?Anger Management The Stresshacker Sue Smith

When I discuss this with clients I’m often told “But I haven’t had a bereavement. I just flare up for no reason.”  Yet they’ll go on to identify loss. Loss of their dreams, a relationship or a part of themselves in childhood.

The emotion of anger usually covers fear and the bottom line is that fear centres around feeling unloved or unloveable.

Many a child has felt humiliation and shame at being shouted at and rejected by an angry parent however temporary.

Whilst parents are not saints and don’t come equipped with the perfect parent handbook it’s safe to say that most parents intend to do their best.

Women appear to adjust to parenthood more quickly as they navigate bodily changes and fluctuation in emotions during pregnancy.  Whereas men’s bonding often starts when the child is  older.

Both will grieve the loss of their previous lifestyle – their job, friends and colleagues. It’s natural to feel anger in these circumstance.

In Psychotherapy, Transactional Analysis is a model that  suggests that we have 3 main parts in our psyche.  The Parent, Adult and Child.

Your guide book for how to be a parent is a direct result of how you were treated by your parents. What they said and did becomes your inner map, voice and reactions.

You may blindly follow your guide book or totally reject it by doing  the opposite.  More commonly people cobble together bits of both in an effort to ‘get it right‘.

All that’s needed is a trigger. You’ve asked your child patiently for the fifth time to pick up their towel from the bathroom floor, the anger explodes and you’re shouting and screaming at them.

You don’t have to be an actual parent to follow your map either. When you get angry with yourself and judge yourself harshly? That inner critic is your parent part.

How does a child feel, who’s been bullied?  Worthless and unloveable.  Your inner child feels exactly the same after an internal battering.

How To Manage That Anger

The key is to develop a healthier adult part.

Risk being vulnerable and explore your losses. Make time and space to have more authentic honest conversations with trusted friends, partners and therapists.

It is possible to diminish anger and bear the losses. It is possible to feel in control and to like how you talk to yourself and others.

Here’s a few starting points that will help.

Develop the tools of mindfulness. Use your breath to ground you in the present and to stop you reacting like a victimised child or a volatile parent.

Work on rebuilding your self esteem so that you are more able to tolerate the emotions.

Do you want a shortcut to that? Update the software of your mind and listen to Stress Free With  Confidence, or Assertiveness Now rapidly reprogram your subconscious mind to build a stronger autonomous adult part.

Let me know your thoughts.

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Are you grieving? Coping with loss is different for everyone so give yourself time

Coping with Loss
Coping with Loss“No, I’ve never heard of that – what is the grief cycle?” my client asked when I mentioned the bereavement cycle. I went on to explain that it’s what happens when we experience loss.

That loss can be one of death, but a grief cycle can also be triggered by other events such as a divorce, moving house, a relationship breakdown, and retirement or job loss.

No matter what the relationship or situation was like, it can be a really bad time. There is a cycle of stages that will present themselves during the mourning process.

How do you speak to someone who is going through a bereavement?

1. There is never a ‘right time’ to die.

It is important to remember that there isn’t a “right time” to die. People often ask, “How old was he” and when told “84” respond with some thing like “Oh well, he had a good innings then” or “Well we’ve all go to go sometime.”

This can be deeply wounding and shocking to the person experiencing the loss.

2. Please don’t say, “I know how you feel” YOU DON’T!

Continue reading Are you grieving? Coping with loss is different for everyone so give yourself time