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28 Ways To Be On Top!

28 ways to be on top

How can you reach your destination if you haven’t got a map?

Do you know how to stay in adult mode?

Can you recognise the qualities and behaviours that belong to the adult part of you?

Are you becoming more adept at recognising your inner child’s behaviours and thoughts?

Can you identify when you’re in critical parent mode and use your map to snap out of it?

Add this list to your adult part and enjoy the process of growing up.

  1. Speak your truth
  2. Know yourself
  3. Nurture yourself
  4. Learn to be assertive
  5. Eat well.
  6. Have plenty of rest
  7. Exercise regularly
  8. Spend time with people who make you laugh
  9. Remember that variety is the spice of life
  10. Improve your confidence and self-esteem
  11. Become more congruent shed the ‘roles’ that make you feel a phoney
  12. If you lack it, develop integrity
  13. Be honest and truthful with yourself and others
  14. Spend time alone
  15. Do what you love to do
  16. Act as if you’re brave until you feel brave
  17. Explore and try something different a food, exercise, or hobby
  18. Say daily positive affirmations.
  19. Try journaling every day.
  20. Dump your grievances by writing therapy letters to those who have hurt you. (DON’T send them, tear them up after… it works!)
  21. Develop an attitude of gratitude write 3 things two or three times a week that you’re grateful for.
  22. Practice loving. Imagine you’re falling in love with yourself
  23. Be kind and forgiving to yourself
  24. Remind yourself it’s okay to say No
  25. Set goals for the experiences you want to have
  26. Upgrade your programs with hypnotherapy
  27. Be kind and gentle with your inner child
  28. Be firm and boundaried with your inner parent. (Don’t let it take over!)

Enjoy and let me have your feedback!

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SHUT THE F*@/ UP!

Years ago I did some additional NLP training with Dr Richard Bandler one of the two originators of Neuron-Linguistic-Programming or as I like to think of it Positive Psychology.

Among other things NLP looks at ‘Modelling on Excellence’ so when we find something that we want to do well, or to have, the aim is to “model on’ or copy the behaviour or steps that allowed others to achieve that outcome, with the expectation that we will achieve similar results.

So what’s this got to do with my headline?

Finding out what naturally happy people do to feel happy helps others to model on that behaviour

smiling-kids-facesPeople who are happier in life tend to be self-nurturing, kind and loving to themselves. They have learned to live with and accept their limitations, which doesn’t mean they don’t strive for things or have goals, more that they have reached a place of self-acceptance.

Happier people have also learned how to quieten the negative chatter in their minds.

How often are you aware of that nagging voice in the background of your awareness? That demanding, negative part that criticises what you’re doing or how you’re doing it?

People give this part many names from the devil, the ego, to the parent part. However you choose to label your ‘gremlin’ is your business. But do you know how to stop it from droning on and eroding your efforts to feel okay about yourself?file000727125552

There are loads of clever therapeutic interventions for quietening this unhelpful inner voice, but for a quick fix, try Bandler’s advice who told us in training “Tell it to Shut the F**! Up! I did! It did! It does work!

Don’t take my word for it, try it yourself.

I’ll be honest and say I prefer the words ‘That’s enough! Be Quiet Now” Which I find works just as well. Choose your own wording, but next time you’re having a bad day and your parent part or inner critic is giving you a rough ride, you might want to try this until you close it down.

As you become aware of the negative chatter, mentally and silently shout Shut The F**! Up several times. Follow this up with several days of ‘reprogramming’ by listening to something like Super Charge Your Confidence, my hypnosis program that helps build self-esteem and notice just how quickly your adult part bounces back into control.

Enjoy and let me know how you get on.

 

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Is It Okay To Be Selfish?

We Teach Others How To Treat Us

ME MYSELF I!

Why putting yourself first can be a good thing.

Do you put other’s needs and desires before your own and find yourself going along with what everyone else wants to do so that you don’t rock the boat?

Do you struggle to say No?

Do you hear yourself say ‘yes’ before even considering your own feelings on the matter?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, then you’re running a People Pleasing Program. This program is negative to your self-esteem and damaging to your confidence. More importantly you may even be in danger of completely losing yourself in that role.

Getting lost in one of life’s roles can trigger a variety of problems such as anxiety, addictions, depression, phobias and sleep problems to name but a few.

Have you ever wondered why? Why the need to please?

The need for approval from others is usually borne out of fear. For example as children we have a natural need for the love and approval of our parents or significant others and if this is less than forthcoming it can leave a child feeling scared and heartbroken. As a result they try harder and harder to win approval in order to feel that they have a right to breathe and exist.

There are other reasons why the People Pleasing program can be triggered too, such as experiencing bullying. Many people bullied at  school or work find themselves dealing with an emotional residue of fear and shame.

At what point does this need for approval stop?

It doesn’t.  As I’ve said in earlier blogs, although we grow up chronologically and intellectually, we can get ‘stuck’ emotionally. So unless we pay conscious attention to our uncomfortable feelings and learn to become assertive we may stay stuck for a long time.

The People Pleasing program dictates that the needs and desires of others are more important than our own. In which case it will seem really hard be clear about our own boundaries.

On occasions and in a rather dramatic attempt to have clients pay more attention to their own needs, I’ve been known to get up in the middle of a session and casually prop the door wide open!  It’s a rare client who challenges this odd behaviour of mine and I’m usually left squirming with discomfort for a while before asking “Is it okay that the door’s wide open?” The response is often about me and  my comfort levels, rather than about their feelings or right to confidentiality. This is a good starting point to explore how it really felt to have  the door wide open (it’s closed by now) and to look at their comfort levels and boundaries.

I then bang on with my mantra ‘ We Teach Others How To Treat Us We Teach Others How To Treat Us We Teach Others How To Treat Us’

The effort and energy involved in pleasing others before considering your own needs can be tiring and frustrating, because the deeper recognition of not being true to yourself can leave you feeling like a fraud.  The lack of authenticity can lead to dissatisfaction with yourself, your relationships and  life in general.

So how can you avoid this cycle?

One of the ways I worked on overcoming my own people pleasing program was by giving myself space, sometimes through my yoga practice or in meditation, just allowing myself a bit of time for reflection.  Sometimes re-running an imaginary scene of  how I would  like to have handled a situation, gave me an opportunity to ‘try on’ new behaviour.

What can you do to give yoIMG_2734urself space and time for reflection?

With time for  reflection try working with the notion of filling your cup first.

Let me ask you, if your cup is full and you have absolutely everything you want, you’ve taken care of your needs and desires to the best of your ability, what do you then want?

The answer most people give is  for the good of others

It might seem selfish to put yourself first if you’re used to looking out for others but think of it in the same light as an oxygen mask in a plane, how can you help your children or others  to survive, if you can’t breathe yourself!

Once we become more comfortable taking care of ourselves, we are in a better position to ‘give’ authentically and unconditionally to others.

Write down 5 things that you could do now to nurture yourself. Leave your comments below you never know they could be really helpful to someone else.

Thanks for reading.

 

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Are You Ready To Confront Your Fears In 2016?

GO FOR IT

GO FOR IT

Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway was one of the first and best self-help books I have ever read, in it, author Dr Susan Jeffers encouraged us to ‘go for it ‘ despite our fears and anxieties.

We can become more emotionally robust and courageous and it is possible to develop the courage to overcome fears and anxieties, but they wont go away on their own, without doing some work with them.

Here’s a quick exercise to spark courage.

Ensure you won’t be interrupted for five minutes. Close your eyes and ask yourself “where abouts in my body does courage live” intuitively go to the first place that comes to mind.

If you feel that you lack courage, then ask yourself “where in my body is the place where I lack courage”

Once you have located the place that this feeling or lack of it resides (it may be in your stomach, your chest or heart for example) then ask your subconscious mind or imagination to give you a colour, shape or size that represents this feeling.

As soon as an image, picture, shape or colour, comes to mind, just accept it. Now ask the picture (shape, colour) what it (the image) wants to do so that you can feel more courageous. Usually the image will change, sometimes dramatically, sometimes in a very minor way. Sit, sense and notice what shift takes place in your image, colour or shape. I know it feels a bit odd talking to yourself in this way but aim to lend yourself to the experience in order to get results.

As soon as there is a change from your original image, even the slightest change, the exercise is complete and you can open your eyes. You are likely to notice an improved sense of courage over the coming days. You can repeat this exercise as often as you wish.

Physiologically there’s a fine line between fear and excitement both states involve breathing more quickly for example.

Our inner chatter can also determine how we feel, so what we say to ourselves is really important. It can be helpful to reframe a fearful feeling and tell yourself that this feeling is excitement, it’s anticipation, kid yourself and act as if you are brimming with courage.Assertive Empowerment Now

If you’ve set goals and decided to ‘go for it’ in 2016 you might find the Assertive Empowerment Now audio hypnosis program  a great support for you. Programing the deeper subconscious mind on a regular basis with positive words of encouragement and support can really help us to step up to the challenges we set ourselves. We can then approach goals with greater confidence. Using mind tools such as this audio program is a practical way of making positive changes quickly and with minimal effort, simply play the recording when you go off to bed each night.  As you drift of to sleep listening to powerful, assertive suggestions, you can expect to feel emotionally stronger and self-assured in the following days, but don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.

If you’re still in need of inspiration please take a few moments to watch this amazing video of Dilys Price an 82-year-old lady who regularly throws herself out of a plane! She is truly inspirational and will definitely encourage you to go for it!

As usual we love to hear your feedback and comments below.

Enjoy.

 

 

 

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You’re As Sick As Your Secrets.

Our good sense of self depends mostly on how much we love and accept ourselves. If we feel bad because we have some secret lurking in the back of our minds about something that happened to us or something we did last week, last year or twenty years ago. It will continue to churn out bad feelings too.

Find at least one person to tell your secret to.

Finding one person who you have some measure of trust in, to share with, could make the world of difference to you.file561270689520

If there really is no one, go to see a counsellor or therapist. If you can’t afford a therapist, go to your Doctor and explain that there is something that you believe is having a detrimental effect of your overall wellbeing and health and ask to be referred to a psychiatric nurse, or counsellor attached to the practice. Maybe there is a spiritual or religious elder you feel you could trust.

It sounds corny doesn’t it … ‘A Problem Shared Is A Problem Halved’ but this adage really is true for many.

You have to tell someone. I can’t stress how much better most people feel when they ‘disclose’ something that they have felt shameful or guilty about. In therapy this disclosure is often seen as a major breakthrough and the start of positive healing and a healthier mind-set.

I’ve said in previous blogs, that when we bring something out of the shadow side of the personality, the dark side, we are bringing it into the light and as a consequence, we become more enlightened. We simply start to understand ourselves better and this is the beginning of a journey of self-acceptance and self-love and we can literally lighten up a bit more.

Look, if you don’t out for you who do you think should? If you don’t look after you, why should anyone else? We teach others how to treat us. As we begin to take care of ourselves others follow our lead.

Just Can’t Face Telling Anyone Yet?

If this is where you are you may find the following exercise helpful to do.

Stresshack

Choose a time when you don’t have to rush off anywhere such as to work. Make sure you wont be disturbed and sit with a note book and write as if you are writing to an older wiser you and tell them everything.

You may need to stop periodically, you may cry and feel overwhelmed by emotions at times but know that this will pass. It’s part of the process of clearing some of the stagnation in your heart and chest that is created by holding on to such ‘heavy’ memories.

Say it all. Leave nothing out. When you’ve written exhaustively i.e. there’s nothing more to add, it’s all been said. Do something nurturing for you. Make a cup of tea, take a warm bath, perhaps go for a walk. Or just sit quietly.

An hour later take your letter to the sink where you will burn it (have water ready to douse any unruly flames) You may wish to do this ceremoniously with the following affirmation:

As I burn this letter, I let go of any negative thoughts and emotions attached to these memories. I let go of that past and from this moment on, I become stronger, healthier, wiser and more confident. I now heal from all of those things. I like, love and respect myself even more for getting through them.

Continue to be respectful of what you’ve just done by nurturing yourself in caring loving ways. Put yourself and your needs first by asking yourself “What do I want. What do I need” and aim to provide that for yourself.

You may revisit the content of your letter at a later date, by disclosure to a therapist or counsellor or confiding in a friend. You may decide there’s more work to be done around these memories, in order to feel even better about yourself. This is just a step in the right direction.

I must stress here how important it is to destroy the letter once you’ve written it. Fire has been used throughout the ages in ceremonies, as a symbol of renewal. By burning we are clearing the space for something fresh and new.

If you don’t want to burn your letter that’s okay, but it’s imperative that it is destroyed. It doesn’t matter if you’ve written volumes, get rid of it. You can always write again. Burn it, bin it, tear it up and bury it but get rid of it! This exercise dictates that the letter must be destroyed.

If this is a starting point for you maybe it’s time to delve into some self-help books, try You Can Heal Your Life  and I Just Want To Be Happy for starters.

As always I’m interested in your feedback.