Category: Self-Esteem

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LOVE LOVE LOVE

In the words of the famous song ‘All You Need is Love!

I would agree that love is definitely the antidote to FAGS that’s fear, anger, guilt and shame.

I’ve witnessed many people discover a gentle love and compassion for themselves that dissolves much of the negative chatter that lives in the ego mind.

How though? How do you use love to heal?

Unlock The Love In Your Heart

Try this exercise. Quickly write down as many answers as you can to the following statement.

Do it NOW! Don’t think about it too much.

Love Is…..

Now do the same for this statement

I feel loved when…..

Next write down all the ways you can do this for yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to fulfil your needs and dreams, get into a great relationship with yourself by attending to what makes you feel loved and cherished.  So if it’s touch. When did you last gently massage a beautiful cream or oil into your body? Make a date with yourself to do this. When did you last treat yourself to a beautiful bouquet of flowers, great bottle of wine or a trip to a show? Do that for you. If you need to hear words of love … start saying them to yourself… you get the idea? Stop waiting for someone else to meet your needs, meet your own.
Your answers should tell you a lot about your view of love. If they’re negative responses you might want to do some deeper work on yourself. If that’s the case, drop me a line at ‘Ask Sue’ here at thestresshacker.com and let me know and I’ll include some exercises in a subsequent blog.

For my yogi readers. Sit quietly place your right hand on your heart and your left hand on top and softly chant the seed sound to the heart centre LAM you can resonate on the aaaah sound and also the mmmm chant for at least five minutes.

Happy Valentines.

Sent with Love.

 

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STILL GIVING YOURSELF A HARD TIME?

I’ve been enjoying  the privilege of teaching self-care to a group of hard working conscientious, caring people this week and it’s put me in mind of one of my favourite sayings.  ‘We teach others how to treat us’ it’s true isn’t it.

At a subtle energetic level we constantly absorb and convey information to and from people around us. Unconsciously we tell people a lot about ourselves from the way we dress,  to our non-verbal cues such as body language, facial expressions and tonality.

How do you want to be treated?

How do you treat yourself?

What is it that you would like others to give you or do for you? 

Do you ever give that to yourself? 

Years ago I  read a popular magazine that suggested …‘run yourself a bubble bath, pour yourself a glass of champagne and relax’ and I thought ” Yeah, right, who does that”! Well eventually I did. I loved it! It was a treat and I still remember the first time I did that for me. I also remember when I lived alone training myself to cook a nice dinner for me, I had to teach myself to lay the table just for me. Do you know what? It felt really nice to be looking after myself in such a simple yet respectful way. What simple thing could you do for yourself that would make you feel valued, worthy and special?

Better self-care develops better self-confidence, try asking yourself this question several hundred times a week… ‘Is this kind and loving to myself’? Step back and watch what your mind at play, observe how you treat yourself, you might just be surprised.

One of the first precepts in yoga is Ahimsa which means non-violence. Ahimsa offers us a guideline on how to live life, the aim being not to hurt others and not to hurt ourselves. This means  physically, emotionally and mentally. How often do you say unkind, spiteful, discouraging things to yourself?  STOP IT NOW!  You wouldn’t say or do that to a child would you?

If you fancy changing your programming try this little exercise.  For the next two days, every time you hear yourself say something unpleasant and unsupportive, say 2 nice things to yourself to counter that.  Smother your inner bully with love! Ha ha! Have fun with it and let me know how you get on.

I know you’re busy so thanks for taking the time to read and please pass it on to anyone who you think it might help.

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5 Quirky Ways To Beat Performance Anxiety

When I decided to pursue a childhood dream of singing and went along to my first performers evening, I was mortified when I got up to sing. As I opened my mouth I heard a weird strangled sound more reminiscent of an injured animal! My diaphragm locked up like a tight fist and my lips wriggled around independently like a pair of worms! The rest of my performance that evening is thankfully a fuzzy haze!
I had the classic Fight, Flight or Freeze symptoms one might experience in the face of eminent disaster such as being attacked or having a near miss in a car.

Performance Anxiety
Performance Anxiety

Singing was something I wanted to do, so I decided I was not going to be beaten by this poor experience. Using my training and experience as psychotherapist and hypnotherapist I applied to myself, all the techniques and practices I might offer a client experiencing performance anxiety.

I liken public performance to standing naked in front of a group of people! You really are exposing your most vulnerable self. This means your self-esteem is very much linked to your performance. Trouble is, if your good sense of self is totally dependent on others having to like you or think well of you, then you’re even more vulnerable because that’s is something you have no control over.

Continue reading 5 Quirky Ways To Beat Performance Anxiety

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Are You Fat Focused?

Do you obsess about food?
file2791247193219

Are you constantly on and off of the scales?

Do you worry about sticking to a diet?

Are you always counting calories?

If you don’t care about being overweight then fine, don’t read on but if you’re constantly striving to lose weight only to put it back on, or are stuck in the yo-yo pattern of dieting you might want to try a new approach.

The majority of people with weight problems tend to be consumed by thoughts of what, when and how they will eat or drink. Constant worrying about food and focusing on feeling fat are your worst enemies in the pursuit of losing weight.

I know that the easiest way to lose weight and keep it off is to change your mind-set. Here are 3 ways you can do it

  1. Update Your Mental Software.
  2. Throw Away Your Scales.
  3. Reprogram Your Mind using language it understands.

Change your mind and keep the change

 Discover the best way to finally dump your negative thoughts and feelings. Upgrade your mindset and rebuild your self-esteem with my Mindful Weight Loss approach.

1. Update Your Mental Software

Are you interested in the quickest way to do this? Hypnosis. Reprogram your mind, by-pass the negative inner chatter and input positive thoughts that will change the way you feel. 21 days of consistent listening to positive, upbeat suggestions of self-love will have you automatically making better choices. You will find everything easier when you feel positive and confident.

The biggest part of your mind, the subconscious mind believes whatever it is told. What are you telling yourself about your size, weight, or the way you look?

2. Throw Away Your Scales.file0001481171194

Hopping on and off of scales create a hopeless addiction, get rid of them, they’re work of the devil! They lie too! Have you ever jumped on your scales and felt your heart soar because you’d shed a little weight? Only to get on your friend’s scales (because you couldn’t resist) to find you’d gained some weight?

Scales encourage negative thinking that will quickly spiral you down into feeling out of control, this is my opinion based on 28 years of facilitating weight loss with thousands of people.

Stop kidding yourself. You WILL KNOW WHEN YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT when your trousers feel loose or more comfortable, or when you no longer need to loosen your belt whilst eating. Resist the temptation to  buy  clothes in bigger sizes and work your way back into the wardrobe you have, by being kind, encouraging and loving to yourself. I go into the psychology of this more in the course.

3. Picture The Best You

Picture The Best You… develop the habit of putting yourself into a gentle state of relaxation (yes, this can be done on the train on your way to work, or just as you drift off to sleep) once relaxed; create pictures of you in your minds eye being the best version of you. Imagine yourself feeling, fit, flexible and strong. If you’re visual (I’m not so I just get on and imagine) visualize yourself doing and being who you are when you are what makes you feel the best. For example, see you looking very much in control, relaxed, confident, peaceful, in love with and loving yourself. See yourself sufficiently confident to make better choices. Encourage yourself to exercise by persistently picturing yourself swimming, walking or taking a class in the gym.

Your subconscious mind believes whatever you tell it… what are you telling it?

More importantly the language of the biggest part of your mind (the subconscious) is imagery, so it prefers to receive positive images. Don’t take my word for it, try it yourself regularly.

Don’t be shy, take advantage of the Ask Sue facility here on the website and ask me any questions you have about losing weight.

If you’ve any questions about my Mindful Weight Loss course ask away! The course is unique and I created it more with the idea of helping people to become happier and more at peace with themselves with the weight loss being more a by- product of that. There is no dieting involved in this course, although you do need to want to lose weight and be prepared to make a commitment to doing so.

So if you know someone who would find this useful please pass it onto them.

 

 

 

 

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Growing Up At Last!

This week’s blog is going to be a little brief due to me going out and kicking my heels up (that’s the adult in me!) My parent part would have me slog over this blog for a few hours longer, revisiting it over and over “until it’s right”!DeathtoStock_Creative Community7

The child/teenager in me would likely acquiesce and sit for another few hours at my desk ‘to get it right’!

The adult in me knows it’s okay to have compromise. The adult is okay with not being perfect

If you’ve been following the past few blogs where I’ve talked about the model of looking at the mind in 3 parts, the child, parent and adult parts this will all be making sense, if you’ve just landed on this blog though, you can be forgiven for wondering what I’m on about! Start reading from here

In a nutshell, we tend to run old beliefs and thoughts programmed during childhood. It’s rare that we challenge or change these thoughts and beliefs and sadly the older we get the more ingrained they become. Simply put, we believe what we’ve been told about ourselves in the past.

Identifying the adult in us and adding new thoughts, beliefs and behaviours is akin to upgrading the software! The adult part is the starting place to set goals and if you like, reinvent ourselves.

In case you missed the rationale behind why this updating is so powerful I’ll reiterate. The subconscious mind (the other 90%) believes whatever it is told. Please re-read that last line!

If like many people who start to work with this model of the mind, you feel unsure of who your adult part is,  or how you want to be, have a look at one of my favourite speakers Julian Treasure and familiarise yourself with his mnemonic HAIL

Honesty

Authenticity

Integrity

Love

I’m sure you’ll agree these are worthy  traits to add to  your adult part.  Enjoy and watch Julian’s TED talk here>

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Do You Know 8 Ways To Identify Your Parent Part?

If you’re one of those rare people who was never shouted at or nagged by your parents, you are truly blessed! For the rest of us it pretty much goes with the territory of having parents and even being one.

This means there’s a part of your brain that holds all the recordings of things your parents and significant carers said or did to you. Only trouble is today you probably think these negatives are coming from you.

For most of us the ‘parent part’: –

  1. Criticises
  2. Judges
  3. Has expectations.
  4. Makes demands
  5. Shouts
  6. Nags
  7. Say’s “you should”
  8. Seems negative.

Whilst the above list is pretty universal, your individual parent part is specific and personal to you. Have you wondered why, without warning you can suddenly morph into some unrecognisable version of you? And find yourself shouting, nagging or demanding?

Have you ever wondered ‘where you’re coming from’?

If you’re lucky you may have a glimmer of reason from the adult part of you who thinks eh? What happened there, why did I suddenly flip! If you stay in the parent part you’ll just justify your behaviour. But if you dislike feeling like that and would prefer to be calm, rational and ‘adult’ the following exercise will help you to recognise the behaviours of this part sufficiently to avoid them in the future.

be your best self

In your journal write the heading The Parent Part: –

Now scribble down as many messages as you can remember receiving from your parents when you were growing up. We’re only looking for the negatives here because obviously what isn’t broke doesn’t need fixing!

These messages make up your early programming, so if for example your mother tended to be meek and passive but your father had an explosive temper and shouted a lot, your list will look something like this.
IMG_2853
Mixed up isn’t it! You can see that it isn’t always easy to understand what makes you tick. However by making an exhaustive list of your parent part messages you start to understand your programming and as a result stand more chance of being able to choose a different way of responding in the future.

So many people feel beaten up psychologically and lack self love and self-confidence. I believe one of the reasons for this, is due to old programming. Naturally unless you’re introduced to this way of working you would have no way of separating out some of the negative messages in the back of your mind. Once you’re able to allocate this thought process and that behaviour to the parent or child part, you’re free to build on the ‘adult’ aspect of you and be the person you feel you’re really meant to be.

If your ‘parent part’ shouts a lot and is also passive and meek as in the example above, what would the opposite of these behaviours be? Reasonable, rational, assertive? So your adult part might start to look like this.IMG_2851 (1)

Remember in an earlier blog I said the Adult is the only place where we can set goals? You may not be being assertive, relaxed, confident and calm just yet but it’s a goal and if you don’t have a goal you can’t get there!

Until next time enjoy working out where you’re coming from!

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SHUT THE F*@/ UP!

Years ago I did some additional NLP training with Dr Richard Bandler one of the two originators of Neuron-Linguistic-Programming or as I like to think of it Positive Psychology.

Among other things NLP looks at ‘Modelling on Excellence’ so when we find something that we want to do well, or to have, the aim is to “model on’ or copy the behaviour or steps that allowed others to achieve that outcome, with the expectation that we will achieve similar results.

So what’s this got to do with my headline?

Finding out what naturally happy people do to feel happy helps others to model on that behaviour

smiling-kids-facesPeople who are happier in life tend to be self-nurturing, kind and loving to themselves. They have learned to live with and accept their limitations, which doesn’t mean they don’t strive for things or have goals, more that they have reached a place of self-acceptance.

Happier people have also learned how to quieten the negative chatter in their minds.

How often are you aware of that nagging voice in the background of your awareness? That demanding, negative part that criticises what you’re doing or how you’re doing it?

People give this part many names from the devil, the ego, to the parent part. However you choose to label your ‘gremlin’ is your business. But do you know how to stop it from droning on and eroding your efforts to feel okay about yourself?file000727125552

There are loads of clever therapeutic interventions for quietening this unhelpful inner voice, but for a quick fix, try Bandler’s advice who told us in training “Tell it to Shut the F**! Up! I did! It did! It does work!

Don’t take my word for it, try it yourself.

I’ll be honest and say I prefer the words ‘That’s enough! Be Quiet Now” Which I find works just as well. Choose your own wording, but next time you’re having a bad day and your parent part or inner critic is giving you a rough ride, you might want to try this until you close it down.

As you become aware of the negative chatter, mentally and silently shout Shut The F**! Up several times. Follow this up with several days of ‘reprogramming’ by listening to something like Super Charge Your Confidence, my hypnosis program that helps build self-esteem and notice just how quickly your adult part bounces back into control.

Enjoy and let me know how you get on.

 

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Is It Okay To Be Selfish?

We Teach Others How To Treat Us

ME MYSELF I!

Why putting yourself first can be a good thing.

Do you put other’s needs and desires before your own and find yourself going along with what everyone else wants to do so that you don’t rock the boat?

Do you struggle to say No?

Do you hear yourself say ‘yes’ before even considering your own feelings on the matter?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, then you’re running a People Pleasing Program. This program is negative to your self-esteem and damaging to your confidence. More importantly you may even be in danger of completely losing yourself in that role.

Getting lost in one of life’s roles can trigger a variety of problems such as anxiety, addictions, depression, phobias and sleep problems to name but a few.

Have you ever wondered why? Why the need to please?

The need for approval from others is usually borne out of fear. For example as children we have a natural need for the love and approval of our parents or significant others and if this is less than forthcoming it can leave a child feeling scared and heartbroken. As a result they try harder and harder to win approval in order to feel that they have a right to breathe and exist.

There are other reasons why the People Pleasing program can be triggered too, such as experiencing bullying. Many people bullied at  school or work find themselves dealing with an emotional residue of fear and shame.

At what point does this need for approval stop?

It doesn’t.  As I’ve said in earlier blogs, although we grow up chronologically and intellectually, we can get ‘stuck’ emotionally. So unless we pay conscious attention to our uncomfortable feelings and learn to become assertive we may stay stuck for a long time.

The People Pleasing program dictates that the needs and desires of others are more important than our own. In which case it will seem really hard be clear about our own boundaries.

On occasions and in a rather dramatic attempt to have clients pay more attention to their own needs, I’ve been known to get up in the middle of a session and casually prop the door wide open!  It’s a rare client who challenges this odd behaviour of mine and I’m usually left squirming with discomfort for a while before asking “Is it okay that the door’s wide open?” The response is often about me and  my comfort levels, rather than about their feelings or right to confidentiality. This is a good starting point to explore how it really felt to have  the door wide open (it’s closed by now) and to look at their comfort levels and boundaries.

I then bang on with my mantra ‘ We Teach Others How To Treat Us We Teach Others How To Treat Us We Teach Others How To Treat Us’

The effort and energy involved in pleasing others before considering your own needs can be tiring and frustrating, because the deeper recognition of not being true to yourself can leave you feeling like a fraud.  The lack of authenticity can lead to dissatisfaction with yourself, your relationships and  life in general.

So how can you avoid this cycle?

One of the ways I worked on overcoming my own people pleasing program was by giving myself space, sometimes through my yoga practice or in meditation, just allowing myself a bit of time for reflection.  Sometimes re-running an imaginary scene of  how I would  like to have handled a situation, gave me an opportunity to ‘try on’ new behaviour.

What can you do to give yoIMG_2734urself space and time for reflection?

With time for  reflection try working with the notion of filling your cup first.

Let me ask you, if your cup is full and you have absolutely everything you want, you’ve taken care of your needs and desires to the best of your ability, what do you then want?

The answer most people give is  ‘for the good of others‘

It might seem selfish to put yourself first if you’re used to looking out for others but think of it in the same light as an oxygen mask in a plane, how can you help your children or others  to survive, if you can’t breathe yourself!

Once we become more comfortable taking care of ourselves, we are in a better position to ‘give’ authentically and unconditionally to others.

Write down 5 things that you could do now to nurture yourself. Leave your comments below you never know they could be really helpful to someone else.

Thanks for reading.

 

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You’re As Sick As Your Secrets.

Our good sense of self depends mostly on how much we love and accept ourselves. If we feel bad because we have some secret lurking in the back of our minds about something that happened to us or something we did last week, last year or twenty years ago. It will continue to churn out bad feelings too.

Find at least one person to tell your secret to.

Finding one person who you have some measure of trust in, to share with, could make the world of difference to you.file561270689520

If there really is no one, go to see a counsellor or therapist. If you can’t afford a therapist, go to your Doctor and explain that there is something that you believe is having a detrimental effect of your overall wellbeing and health and ask to be referred to a psychiatric nurse, or counsellor attached to the practice. Maybe there is a spiritual or religious elder you feel you could trust.

It sounds corny doesn’t it … ‘A Problem Shared Is A Problem Halved’ but this adage really is true for many.

You have to tell someone. I can’t stress how much better most people feel when they ‘disclose’ something that they have felt shameful or guilty about. In therapy this disclosure is often seen as a major breakthrough and the start of positive healing and a healthier mind-set.

I’ve said in previous blogs, that when we bring something out of the shadow side of the personality, the dark side, we are bringing it into the light and as a consequence, we become more enlightened. We simply start to understand ourselves better and this is the beginning of a journey of self-acceptance and self-love and we can literally lighten up a bit more.

Look, if you don’t out for you who do you think should? If you don’t look after you, why should anyone else? We teach others how to treat us. As we begin to take care of ourselves others follow our lead.

Just Can’t Face Telling Anyone Yet?

If this is where you are you may find the following exercise helpful to do.

Stresshack

Choose a time when you don’t have to rush off anywhere such as to work. Make sure you wont be disturbed and sit with a note book and write as if you are writing to an older wiser you and tell them everything.

You may need to stop periodically, you may cry and feel overwhelmed by emotions at times but know that this will pass. It’s part of the process of clearing some of the stagnation in your heart and chest that is created by holding on to such ‘heavy’ memories.

Say it all. Leave nothing out. When you’ve written exhaustively i.e. there’s nothing more to add, it’s all been said. Do something nurturing for you. Make a cup of tea, take a warm bath, perhaps go for a walk. Or just sit quietly.

An hour later take your letter to the sink where you will burn it (have water ready to douse any unruly flames) You may wish to do this ceremoniously with the following affirmation:

As I burn this letter, I let go of any negative thoughts and emotions attached to these memories. I let go of that past and from this moment on, I become stronger, healthier, wiser and more confident. I now heal from all of those things. I like, love and respect myself even more for getting through them.

Continue to be respectful of what you’ve just done by nurturing yourself in caring loving ways. Put yourself and your needs first by asking yourself “What do I want. What do I need” and aim to provide that for yourself.

You may revisit the content of your letter at a later date, by disclosure to a therapist or counsellor or confiding in a friend. You may decide there’s more work to be done around these memories, in order to feel even better about yourself. This is just a step in the right direction.

I must stress here how important it is to destroy the letter once you’ve written it. Fire has been used throughout the ages in ceremonies, as a symbol of renewal. By burning we are clearing the space for something fresh and new.

If you don’t want to burn your letter that’s okay, but it’s imperative that it is destroyed. It doesn’t matter if you’ve written volumes, get rid of it. You can always write again. Burn it, bin it, tear it up and bury it but get rid of it! This exercise dictates that the letter must be destroyed.

If this is a starting point for you maybe it’s time to delve into some self-help books, try You Can Heal Your Life  and I Just Want To Be Happy for starters.

As always I’m interested in your feedback.

 

 

 

 

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Panic Attacks. Help I Can’t Breathe!

Anxiety. You never know when you glance around a train carriage who is comfortably reading their book and who is actually near to passing out with fear and panic. Nowadays anxiety is becoming more and more common, in the extreme some people can’t even complete a journey to work because their fearful feelings are so intense.

file0002062790027Panic attacks often signify the beginning of all kinds of weird rituals. From changing carriages on a train, getting on and off at different stops, through to a cycle of altering journeys times, changing modes of transport, leaving jobs and even relationships, in an effort to quell the anxiety and feel better.

Having panic attacks can be both paralysing and draining, leaving you feeling physically weak and exhausted.

What makes it worse, is that it’s all happening on the inside and nobody else can see what they’re really going through, so there is little sympathy and understanding.

The reason for one persons panic attacks will differ from the next and that is why there is no ‘one’ cure for them. You can be sure though that there is an underlying reason for this level of anxiety.

For many who suffer from this paralysing condition, it is usually coupled with frustration. It’s annoying to be unable to understand why they are happening. “Why now and why me” is a question I’m often asked by clients and students.

When people feel angry because they are unable to understand why the panic attacks happen, they will often blame it onto something else. For example if the first time you experience anxiety or a panic attack is on the bus, it’s understandable that you might associate a bus journey with them. Unfortunately it isn’t that simple.

I’ve known people whose reason for a panic attack turned out to be a ‘nudge’ from their inner self to retrain in a totally different field, because they had been unhappy in their work for a long time.

People who decide to get to the bottom of the anxiety discover that working through old wounds, such as bullying episodes at school, provided the relief from their unpleasant symptoms.

Others have discovered that emotions from past losses or bereavements have been the underlying cause of their anxiety.

Traumatic events, can remain buried in the unconscious mind and also stored somatically in our physiology. We feel panic and anxiety, usually from the chin downwards somewhere in a body part such as chest, throat, hands, stomach. The Clean Language Grovian Metaphor approach that I have been using with clients since 1991 is a fantastic technique for reprogramming the mind and body. It’s a joy to see people relax and feel inner peace as they realise these feelings have cleared.

In my opinion anxiety and panic attacks aren’t normal and they can be addressed. Here are some tips:

The quicker you get help the better.

Regular meditation can help some people feel calmer.

Listening to hypnosis programs like Stress Free With Confidence and short meditation programs like     Seven Minutes of Zen the  Autogenic Relaxation Response can be really helpful resources. Have you signed up to receive your free program The Five Minute Powernap?  These programs help and at the very least allow you feel like you are taking some control the situation.

Find someone you trust and tell them what you are going through.

Physiologically, we forget to breathe properly when we’re feeling anxious and fearful.

Believe it or not it can help if you hum a tune. Try humming Happy Birthday to yourself quietly. The sound is actually an exhalation at the end of which, you will have to breathe in again. Each time you  breathe in, you’ll  notice that you’re breathing in a little longer and deeper  then work on making your humming the out breath, a little longer.

Happy Humming.