Ask Sue

Hello!

Welcome to Ask Sue.

How can I help you? If you have questions about yoga, managing your stress, or how to deal with a problem, ask me here by filling in the form. Remember I’ll post your question here along with my best answer so fire away by completing this form.



  • Ask Sue
  • I don’t like myself and know that if I’m going to get on in life, I should be more self-accepting but I just don’t know how.

    For starters, I love your honesty. The fact that you recognise you have a problem is a really good thing, that you know the answer is frankly amazing! This means you already have great insight into yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back for that.

     

    You’re absolutely right, successful people have large measures of self-acceptance. They don’t have some unreasonable unattainable goal. Their confidence comes from realising that they are normal, fallible people and that making mistakes in life are valuable ways of growing and learning.

     

    So what was it that you did that was so awful? Make a quick list of all your sins.

     

    Once done, reflect quietly and ask yourself this question “ Would I do that again? If I had the chance to do it again would I do it differently”? If given a second chance you would do it differently then say this to yourself whilst looking in a mirror … “ (Your name) I forgive you, you are forgiven. I forgive you for what you didn’t know then”.

     

    If on the other hand, given those same circumstances, you would do things in exactly the same way, then get real and own that! Maybe it just hasn’t got painful enough for you yet, you may have to go around a few more times before you learn that particular lesson.

     

    Have you read ‘I Just Want To Be Happy’? Grab a copy and work through the exercises, in particular go to the exercise where I ask you to make a list of your achievements no matter how small and put them somewhere where you will be able to see them every day.

     

    Putting the above to one side, I think if you examine your lack of self-acceptance it’s probable that much of this stems from your childhood programming. You might want to take some time to write down (on paper with a pen – no technology!) what early messages you received from your significant others. Were there constant NO’s? Did you feel criticised? Often our parents and teachers are trying to get the best from us and it can end up feeling like we’re not good enough.

     

    It is easy to reprogram your subconscious mind, because it believes whatever it’s told! Whatever you tell yourself becomes true for yourself. So watch your thoughts! Better still change and improve your thinking.

     

    The quickest way I know is through repeated listening to hypnotherapy programs such as Stress Free With Confidence, Super Charge Your Confidence and Assertive Empowerment Now. Re-program your mind by building your own library of programs to choose from and match them to the challenges of your day-to-day living.

     

    My final feedback is to say, before you do anything, check in with your inner compass by asking yourself “Is this kind and loving to myself’?

     

    I hope this is helpful to you. You’re already on the road and doing so well.

  • My relationship is over and I just can’t stop thinking about him. I keep running over everything and am obsessed by it, I don’t really understand because it was me that me that bought things to a head so I why do I feel so stuck?

    It may bring you little comfort, but most people feel like this at the end of a relationship. You don’t say how long the relationship lasted or whether you were living together, these things can add to the time it takes to grieve and move on.

     

    Basically you’re going through a bereavement. Even if it was you who ended your relationship, you can’t escape the cycle of loss. Sometimes it’s just the loss of the dream you had, where you thought ‘he was the one’ and that you would sail off happily into the sunset together.

     

    It’s important to respect the process that you’re going through and remind yourself that it will pass. There are various stages to go through in grieving such as anger and guilt and there will also be some respite as you pass through the stages of denial and acceptance, then for a while, it will feel okay, as if you’ve properly come to terms with it, before the cycle starts again.

     

    In the meantime it might be a healthy exercise to start a journal and write down five things that he did, that you found difficult to live with, you know, the main things you would have liked him to have done differently or not at all. Then turn that around and apply it to yourself, ask yourself, where in your life do you do that? So for example, if you found him disloyal, when, where and how, are you disloyal? Are you disloyal to yourself for example, do you betray yourself?

     

    Resolve to get on with having a really good relationship with yourself. Set out to do all the things you hoped or thought you and he would do together. Improve your relationship with yourself in as many different ways as you can think of. When did you last treat yourself to some flowers, a massage or a really nice meal.

     

    Join a new group, club or hobby, start to explore other aspects of yourself. Often when we get on with pursuing our interests we meet others with the same interests as ourselves.

     

    Lastly, whatever you’re about to do, ask yourself one of my favourite questions ‘Is this kind and loving to myself’? If it isn’t, don’t do it!

     

    Remember nothing stays the same and this too will pass. Be kind and loving to yourself and take good care of you.

     

    Love Sue xx

  • I feel that I have been dumped by a friend because of jealousy. What can I do?

    Full Question: 

     

    My friend has adopted a 7 year old and I am supposed to be Aunty.  I bonded with the child from day one but my friend has struggled badly  2 months ago I got an email saying they will be off the radar for while whilst she becomes a good mum. I feel that I have been dumped because of jealousy and a logic where she believes that without me the child will love her more. What can I do?

     

    Sue's Response

     

    Thanks for your email.

     

    To have been that close to your friend, that there was an expectation (on either part) that you should play the role of ‘Aunty’ to the child, I wonder if you’re feeling a number of emotions ranging from sadness, and anger through to a sense of loss. Not just by having no contact with the child but the change in your friend’s attitude too, you are effectively, left in a state of bereavement.

     

    Unfortunately in any close relationship whether with work colleagues, friendships, spouse or lover, our projections will surface over time.

     

    Your apparent natural bonding with this child appears to have highlighted your friend’s failings (real or imagined) and she’s felt the need to ‘dump’ you while she aims to work out her role with the child.

     

    Sadly there’s very little you can do to change this situation unless of course you had a more formal part to play in the child’s life and this is recorded somewhere.

     

    I would suggest the following. Continue to feel the love for this child and think of her/him in a positive loving way. Love is the purest highest and fastest form of energy and transcends time and space. This is important for the child who will feel it at some level.

     

    Email your friend and aim to avoid any accusatory stance since she’s feeling less than good enough already, she’s unlikely to be very receptive to any suggestions or criticism so little point. You do have a right however to explain how this has left you feeling. Talk about your sadness, upset, anger… etc. at the very least you have an opportunity to express yourself openly and honestly.

     

    If she refuses to communicate (and you might want to do this anyway) write a therapy letter, where you let rip and rant about the situation. Notice I said write, don’t email there’s too much temptation n to hit the send button. The purpose of this email is to get your feelings off of your chest, write until you have nothing left to say and then bin it, bury it burn it but just get rid of the letter once

     

    It might then be useful for you to decide what you want to do, if your friend and the child appear back in your life? Is this a healthy set up for you? After all there’s nothing to stop her withdrawing the child from you again and you may wish to protect yourself emotionally from this rollercoaster ride.

     

    Finally ask yourself over and over ‘what do I want, what do I need’ and when you get the answer do it.

     

    I hope this helps.

     

    Wishing you well.

     

    Sue

  • Hi Sue - I am trying to improve my mediation technique - do you have any tips? Clearing my mind is the most difficult thing to do. The harder I try the less effective it becomes. There has to be a direct correlation to this ...

    Hi Vicky

    Thanks for your question which I'm sure resonates with other meditators.

    My first thought is that you're trying too hard! If you have a regular practice and that can be five minutes a day to start with, on any given day, it is what it is.  By this I mean accept it for whatever experience it is. Otherwise you are entering into mediation with a goal and an expectation, this is like trying to be somewhere else which is the opposite of what meditation is.

    Tibetan monks have been trying to quieten their minds for years! That's why it's a practice. Some days you have a better experience than others. If you're fixated on a goal you're unlikely to relax into 'being'.

    Maybe it would help to start with a bit of mindfulness either with eyes closed or open, notice what you see without moving your head around, notice what you can feel and sense inside and out and do the same with what you can hear, taste and smell. Be aware of the present. Then allow your eyes to close and do the same.

    Try the following tips:

    1. The time you meditate might be relevant. First thing in the morning is a good time before the mind is too active and distracted.

    2. If you meditate later in the day, first of all write down all the things that are on your mind, things you have to do for example and then sit to meditate.

    3. If you can make a space to meditate at the same time each day it will become automatic and will require less effort.

    The main thing is to let go of your 'goal' or expectation, trust that you're getting it right and it will fall into place.

    I hope this helps.

     

     

 

 

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