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5 Quirky Ways To Beat Performance Anxiety

When I decided to pursue a childhood dream of singing and went along to my first performers evening, I was mortified when I got up to sing. As I opened my mouth I heard a weird strangled sound more reminiscent of an injured animal! My diaphragm locked up like a tight fist and my lips wriggled around independently like a pair of worms! The rest of my performance that evening is thankfully a fuzzy haze!

Performance Anxiety
Performance Anxiety

I had the classic Fight, Flight or Freeze symptoms one might experience in the face of eminent disaster such as being attacked or having a near miss in a car.

Singing was something I wanted to do, so I decided I was not going to be beaten by this poor experience. Using my training and experience as psychotherapist and hypnotherapist I applied to myself, all the techniques and practices I might offer a client experiencing performance anxiety.

I liken public performance to standing naked in front of a group of people! You really are exposing your most vulnerable self. This means your self-esteem is very much linked to your performance. Trouble is, if your good sense of self is totally dependent on others having to like you or think well of you, then you’re even more vulnerable because that’s is something you have no control over.

  1. Meditation: When you develop a regular meditation habit you build up a strong association with the peace that resides in you. Over time you gain insights and ‘aha’ moments help you to know who you who you really are. This helps develop a better sense of self that comes from within and fosters more self-acceptance.
  1. Practice the ‘Kettle’ breath: This short breath practice will help you blow away nerves and tension. It helps relax the diaphragm and makes more space for deep breathing which relaxes the body and calms the mind.    Here’s How: breathe in deeply, breathe out of your mouth with a shhhhh or ssssss for as long as you can, right toward the end of this outbreath draw back and upwards from the space behind your pubis to encourage that shhhh for a little bit longer then relax and repeat.
  1. Regular Listening to a Confidence Building Audio Program: I never wait until the performance is upon me to big up my confidence, I’ll start that process a good two to three weeks before by listening to a confidence building audio program such as Stress Free with Confidence or Super Charge Your Confidence. Hypnosis is one of the quickest ways to change a mindset and dissolve negative feelings. Listen on earphones last thing at night or first thing in the morning before you get out of bed.
  1. Project A Positive Performance: Whenever you think about your upcoming performance make sure you’re projecting positive pictures of that future event. Common sense really, why would you project disastrous images? But people do! Develop a regular habit of relaxing yourself and then run an internal picture show of your most perfect performance, see people smiling, nodding and applauding. Soak it up.
  1. Affirmations Work! Make Sure Yours Are Positive: What we say to ourselves is so important. The background chatter in the back of your mind can either be supportive and helpful or negative and wounding. So practice and choose your thoughts, because you can! Since repetition is the mother of all skill repeating positive affirmations will eventually embed them into the fertile soil of the subconscious mind… but don’t wait until your performance is upon you, start your affirmations NOW!

If you’re a performer and think your anxiety goes deeper you might find a one-to-one or telephone consultation with me would help you address these issues leaving you free to do what you want to do well and with confidence so feel free to contact me.




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1 Surprisingly Simple Mind Hack

 Subconscious mind
According to quantum physics the brain processes 400 billion bits of information per second. Apparently we are only consciously aware of 2,000 of these, which are processed and filtered at a conscious level.

When someone recently said to me “I don’t know how you can sit and  listen to people’s problems day in and day out” I was ferocious in defence that my work isn’t like that at all! To the contrary, I explained it’s positively joyous!  I help people to establish what they want to change, get rid of, or improve in their lives I then facilitate that change. As a result it is the most priviledged,  rewarding work, that I liken to watching a flower grow.

So when a friend asked me to help her I jumped at the opportunity. She was bored with her job as a civil servant. To counter the boredom over the years, she had retrained in a number of different skills and was extremely well qualified to make a shift and change her career. There was one problem, she was scared! She lacked the confidence and belief in herself  to take the leap of faith required.

We did a small piece of work and the next thing my friend had handed in her notice and moved on.  A year down the line she feels fulfilled in her new career, has met lots of people and made many new friendships. I didn’t really do anything. She did it all, by allowing her subconscious mind to create a perfect solution, in a way that only she could know and understand, a solution that resonated elegantly with every part of her on every level.

As a Clean Language Metaphor Coach I played my part of course and facilitated her change by asking a series of highly pertinent questions, what  in NLP we might term ‘good quality questions’.

I believe that the subconscious mind is a superior part of the brain when it comes to finding creative solutions to a variety of problems.

Working in the field of psychotherapy for many years I have worked with thousands of clients in hypnosis. When those clients learn how to relax and let go of the limiting, critical and judgemental part of their minds (ie; the conscious mind) and allow the subconscious to address issues, miracles happen!

The subconscious mind will  come up with the most incredible solutions that the conscious mind would rarely have thought of.

I feel honoured to bear witness to this process on a daily basis in working with clients who present with a myriad of problems and I can honestly say that after all this time I am still in awe of the fascinating solutions the subconscious mind provides.

1 Simple Mind Hack

On this basis I created ‘Finding Solutions’ – a short hypnosis program that allows you to tap into the creativity and intelligence stored within the subconscious mind. By selecting what it is you want to change and listening (regularly in some cases) you prime your subconscious mind to create a perfect solution for you.

Did you know that when you give the subconscious mind a very clear directive it will act like a heat seeking missile,  it will sear into the heart of the problem and sift through the billions of bits of information stored,in order to find the perfect solution to that particular issue?

Amazingly, it will also do this whilst taking into consideration what every other ‘part’ of you wants. Because it is a greater part of you it works respectfully of other ‘needs’ that may also exist within you.

By example, your desire may be to lose weight… Your subconscious mind is unlikely to ‘drive’ you to starve yourself, if you also happen to be diabetic and regular food is essential to balance your blood sugars.

You can buy Finding Solutions from the shop at

If you know of anyone looking for a great tool to facilitate change do pass this on please.

This program is unsuitable for people who suffer from depression.

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How X Rated Are Your Thoughts?

You know that saying “You are what you eat”  it’s the same for your mind, you get out of it what you put into it.

Along with every other thought that you process daily, your early programming also filters to the surface of the mind from time to time and some might say there’s not a lot that can be done about that.  Not me though, I know it’s possible to swamp early negative messages with positive programming. That’s what hypnotherapy has practiced for years and science now calls neuroplasticity!

Don't watch things you wouldn't want a child to see.
Don’t watch things you wouldn’t want a child to see.

If you doubt that the mind is adversely affected by what you watch, ask yourself if you would allow a child to watch it if the answer is no, why do that to yourself?

Same goes for your reading material. If you would like a quieter mind and a deeper sense of peace in your life, be discerning about what you put into your mind. Your senses are there as filters. The more rubbish you watch the more desensitised you become to it!

I was on the train going into London recently and was alarmed to see a carriage load of commuters in trance! Most were reading and digesting the same free newspapers, full of negative scaremongering stories. That’s mass hypnosis for heavens sake!

You can frighten yourself to death by watching a diet of scary images and I don’t just mean films, I’m talking the soaps and live reality shows that feature hospital dramas, police chases and all manner of other negative life experiences. Or you can choose to watch and read things that are motivating, uplifting and inspiring. Practice and choose because it all belongs to you!

Up for a challenge? Just for today, watch what you put into your mind as the founder of Taoism Lao Tzu says ..


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6 Positive Ways To Deal With Anxiety and Panic

This feeling will pass

Unfortunately some people live daily with anxiety and or panic attacks. I’ve worked  for over 28 years with many  clients and I know that these negative states can be overcome. Panic and anxiety is not natural, it’s a sign that something, somewhere is wrong.

Here are 6 steps to manage anxiety.

  1. Remind yourself of your age and occupation
  2. Wear a band on your wrist
  3. Drown out the negative talk 
  4. Breathe!!!
  5. Consciously name things 
  6. Use a mudra

Want to know why these will help? It’s a 3 minute read …

Signs and symptoms of anxiety can be psychological, physical and emotional and will range from feeling short of breath, to feeling constricted and tight in the chest. People say things like “it’s like hands squeezing me” or “a belt or band tightening around my chest.” Emotionally they feel scared and frightened or terrified and trapped.  Mentally people report thoughts of death and dying or have a sense of some impending disaster.

This is a truly disabling way to be living and whilst it’s my experience that people can overcome these problems, many learn to just live with them.

Enough of the negatives, lets look at some ways to dilute the experience and get back to feeling ‘normal’ as quickly as possible.

No. 1  The action of reminding yourself of your age/occupation will ‘ground’ you  back into the present moment. Because  panic attacks and anxiety can stem from past events and memories stored in the back of your mind or from things that haven’t actually happened yet, i.e.unfounded fears, this means you’re either stuck in the past or the future. The only bit that’s ‘real’ is now! “I’m a 34 year old mother of 3…” or “I’m a 47 year old business manager and runner… “ can have the effect of bringing you back to the here and now…

…then  you can apply No. 2 wear a band on your wrist and ping it hard against your skin two or three times, it acts as a physical prompt (and is something you’re in control of) to startle yourself back to a more conscious state. Since panic attacks can feel like ‘rabbit in the head lights syndrome’ i.e. a trance state, you need to come back to the present where you’ll feel safer.

As you come back to ‘Now’ follow No. 3. I suggest even writing a short script and having it in notes on your phone or on a piece of paper in your wallet. A few positive words of comfort and kindness, words that are empowering and supportive will be welcome and reassuring to the part of you that’s in a panic.  It also helps to bring you into a more ‘adult’ state where you feel more in control. If you can’t think of anything comforting to say have a look at my script below.

Then you can take action with No. 4 and consciously breathe in through the nose slowly perhaps counting to four and gently whistle the breath out through the mouth to the count of six or eight. Use a phewwww, or shshsh or ssss sound, it is helpful to actually hear the sound of your own exhalation, again making you more conscious. Do this for at least five breaths.

No. 5 become conscious of your surroundings by mentally naming what you see around you … e.g. “I see another commuter, a woman wearing a green top, I see someone with earphones listening to music, I see a tree, a car, a man walking his dog.” This then becomes a game of mindfulness, where you actively employ your mind in the way you want to use it. Rather than let it use you.

No. 6 bring the thumb and index finger to gently rest against each other (as in the photo) keep the other three fingers straight, do this with both hands and rest them on your lap. Know that you will begin to breathe more deeply in the next few moments and this will help you to feel much calmer.  I’m not going to go into why this works here, it’s too lengthy and I don’t want you to take my word for it, I’d far rather you try it yourself.Gyna Mudra

Keep repeating the steps until you feel more in control

If you know someone who suffers with anxiety please forward this on, to help them.

Self-compassion Script: ” It’s okay now, you’re fine just breathe in through your nose, out through you mouth and relax Everything is okay now. I’ve got you, you’re safe now, relax, that’s it breathe” (It’s essential to use the word now)


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Are You Fat Focused?

Do you obsess about food?

Are you constantly on and off of the scales?

Do you worry about sticking to a diet?

Are you always counting calories?

If you don’t care about being overweight then fine, don’t read on but if you’re constantly striving to lose weight only to put it back on, or are stuck in the yo-yo pattern of dieting you might want to try a new approach.

The majority of people with weight problems tend to be consumed by thoughts of what, when and how they will eat or drink. Constant worrying about food and focusing on feeling fat are your worst enemies in the pursuit of losing weight.

I know that the easiest way to lose weight and keep it off is to change your mind-set. Here are 3 ways you can do it

  1. Update Your Mental Software.
  2. Throw Away Your Scales.
  3. Reprogram Your Mind using language it understands.

Change your mind and keep the change

 Discover the best way to finally dump your negative thoughts and feelings. Upgrade your mindset and rebuild your self-esteem with my Mindful Weight Loss approach.

1. Update Your Mental Software

Are you interested in the quickest way to do this? Hypnosis. Reprogram your mind, by-pass the negative inner chatter and input positive thoughts that will change the way you feel. 21 days of consistent listening to positive, upbeat suggestions of self-love will have you automatically making better choices. You will find everything easier when you feel positive and confident.

The biggest part of your mind, the subconscious mind believes whatever it is told. What are you telling yourself about your size, weight, or the way you look?

2. Throw Away Your Scales.file0001481171194

Hopping on and off of scales create a hopeless addiction, get rid of them, they’re work of the devil! They lie too! Have you ever jumped on your scales and felt your heart soar because you’d shed a little weight? Only to get on your friend’s scales (because you couldn’t resist) to find you’d gained some weight?

Scales encourage negative thinking that will quickly spiral you down into feeling out of control, this is my opinion based on 28 years of facilitating weight loss with thousands of people.

Stop kidding yourself. You WILL KNOW WHEN YOU’VE LOST WEIGHT when your trousers feel loose or more comfortable, or when you no longer need to loosen your belt whilst eating. Resist the temptation to  buy  clothes in bigger sizes and work your way back into the wardrobe you have, by being kind, encouraging and loving to yourself. I go into the psychology of this more in the course.

3. Picture The Best You

Picture The Best You… develop the habit of putting yourself into a gentle state of relaxation (yes, this can be done on the train on your way to work, or just as you drift off to sleep) once relaxed; create pictures of you in your minds eye being the best version of you. Imagine yourself feeling, fit, flexible and strong. If you’re visual (I’m not so I just get on and imagine) visualize yourself doing and being who you are when you are what makes you feel the best. For example, see you looking very much in control, relaxed, confident, peaceful, in love with and loving yourself. See yourself sufficiently confident to make better choices. Encourage yourself to exercise by persistently picturing yourself swimming, walking or taking a class in the gym.

Your subconscious mind believes whatever you tell it… what are you telling it?

More importantly the language of the biggest part of your mind (the subconscious) is imagery, so it prefers to receive positive images. Don’t take my word for it, try it yourself regularly.

Don’t be shy, take advantage of the Ask Sue facility here on the website and ask me any questions you have about losing weight.

If you’ve any questions about my Mindful Weight Loss course ask away! The course is unique and I created it more with the idea of helping people to become happier and more at peace with themselves with the weight loss being more a by- product of that. There is no dieting involved in this course, although you do need to want to lose weight and be prepared to make a commitment to doing so.

So if you know someone who would find this useful please pass it onto them.





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3 Interesting Ways To Meditate

Types of Meditation
Calm your mind to find yourself.

Several of you have asked why I haven’t written a blog for some time…  Well, I made space so that I could do some other interesting things, alongside teaching yoga and working with great clients, I also had a couple of gigs, attended a jazz vocal course in London, went to some yoga days, explored foreign shores, partied with friends and picnicked with family… I’ve also had some nice mediations…

I’ve talked before about the importance of mediation for a happier, calmer mind. Give yourself  just a few minutes each day to begin meditating and enjoy the amazing benefits!

Getting in the groove

Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting too big a goal, my approach is a little and often until it develops into a disciplined practice.


Where’s your commitment? On a daily basis will you honour yourself with say, SEVEN minutes a day? Fantastic! That’s a great start.

The next important thing is to choose your time – morning or evening? How about both? 7.00am or 6.15am or 9.30pm. Set a time and stick to it.

Space to breathe

Set up a space to meditate and ALWAYS meditate in that place Ensure it’s clean and tidy, you don’t want any unnecessary distractions.  If you only have one room, make a corner of the room your mediation area and sit there.

Don’t Be Flaky

Make yourself physically comfortable, whether thats cross legged on the floor or sitting on a chair and once your time starts, close your eyes and make a deal with yourself to remain still. DON’T fidget, ignore any itches or irritations, they will go away but if you keep scratching and fidgeting you’ll never get into a good practice. If you have to cough, of course do so – it’s common sense to be comfortable then just sit still and be. This is your training.

Rinse and repeat

I always say repetition is the mother of all skill and as you repeat the daily meditation you’ll build up a reservoir of inner peace. As you become familiar with the stillness it will become easier to hook into it at other times during the day.  You’ll notice after time, an ability to step back and observe your thoughts, feelings and reactions  and in this way you can begin to choose  whether to ‘play’ in the dramas of life or whether to quietly step back sometimes and choose a different way to be.

When you’re regularly and effortlessly meditating for seven minutes each day, you can  extend that time to ten minutes, then fifteen, twenty and so on.

In no time at all you’ll be meditating effortlessly for 30 minutes a day and enjoying the amazing benefits that come as a result!

How Do I Know Which Meditation Style Is Right For Me?

1. Breath Focus

It’s particularly good if you are more kinesthetic, you can focus on the feeling of breath in your nostrils and follow its journey into the body.

This is the simplest method (taken from Power Tool 9 in the book ‘I Just Want To Be Happy’).

Start with a regular daily practice of two or three minutes. Sit quietly where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes, and take your awareness to your nostrils. Be aware of breathing in and out through your nose for a few breaths and then silently count 1,2,3,4 as you breathe in and 1,2,3,4 as you hold your breath then 1,2,3,3 as you exhale and 1,2,3,4 as you pause.

Do this for 10 breaths. If it helps imagine your are breathing around a square.

Your mind is likely to wander, this is true for all of us since the nature of the mind is to be constantly moving. When this happens simply go back to ‘one’ and start again. This is a mental discipline and the ultimate aim is to get to ten breaths uninterrupted by thoughts.

2. Mantra

Mantra isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but useful if you’re very auditory – i.e. very tuned into sound – or if you really have a poor attention span!

So which mantra? It could be something from any faith, for example the Lord’s Prayer, or it could be a Buddhist Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, or a yogi’s Om Namah Shiva, or even the  repetition of a western word such as Peace, Relax, Be  or I am Still.

Repeat your chosen mantra slowly mentally and silently over and over for the duration of your mediation.


Technically trataka is a kryia ( a purification process) but can also be used as a meditation especially if you’re very visual. It’s also a great approach  if your eyes are tired from too much computer work.

You do need to be sitting still and  best done in the privacy of your own home.  Light a candle about two  feet away from you at eye level. Relax your body, sit up straight and soften your gaze to one of receiving the light into your eyes rather than staring. As soon as you blink or your eyes water, gently close your eyes and hold the image of the candle flame in your inner eye. As soon as the image fades, open your eyes and begin again.

NB Remove contact lenses prior to trataka

My favourite is No. 1 – Breath Focus. It can be done open-eyed, and even standing in a queue or sitting on a train. It can be done in addition to your regular practice and used any time you need to control your mind, emotions or body.

You could also try to develop a system. Something like this: bring your awareness to your breathing on the hour every hour – or as near to it as possible.

The most important thing is once you have found a method that works for you, STICK to it. If you keep chopping and changing you’ll never establish a discipline, and that’s the key.

So, don’t take my word for it. Do it yourself. Commit to a month and see the benefits for yourself.

If you have any questions  about mediation post them on the ‘Ask Sue’ section and I’ll do my best to answer them.


Take guidance from your Doctor or health practitioner if you have been diagnosed with any personality disorder or mental illness, before practising mediation.

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The No. 1 Peaceful Retreat

“Just what I needed, really great” ” … completely relaxed and enjoyed the practice, venue, food and great company…  such great organisation” is just some of the  feedback received after last weekend’s yoga retreat. (Book there for the next one in February.  

Being Versus Doing
Being Versus Doing

Do you want peace in your life? What are you doing to achieve that state?

Even if you’re new to yoga get on your mat and breathe then begin to stretch, you’ll be surprised how quickly you will remember a couple of yoga poses you’ve enjoyed in the past and just do them. Listen to your body. If it hurts don’t do it!  Apart from that enjoy!

Be the peace you want to see.

Feeling anything but peaceful? Are you feeling stressed and uptight?

Even 5 minutes of yoga can give you a break from the incessant dominance of the ego mind. You’ll recognise your ego mind as the part of you that labels, criticises, judges, demands and has big expectations. Sound familiar?

Yoga means union or to join,  try taking a few minutes this weekend to tune into your breathing. Go on I dare you to take up my challenge and simply follow 10 whole breaths without allowing your mind to wander – good luck with that!

Oh and by the way this is a whole breath. Breathe in. Notice the natural holding of the breath. Breathe out. Notice the pause before you breathe in again.

Enjoy and let me know how you get on. Also remember there’s the ‘Ask Sue’ page if you have a yoga related or counselling question.

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Do you constantly repeat the same patternsJoin me and millions of other  yogi’s and yogini’s across the globe celebrating International Day of Yoga and be sure to do something on Tuesday 21st June.  At 5.00am I will be joining colleagues from the British Wheel of Yoga on the 69th floor of The Shard  to welcome the sunrise as guests of the High Commission of India.

There are many events taking place across the country most of which are free go to to see what’s taking place in London.

If you want to be a part of something huge and peaceful on the day why not practice a couple of rounds of the Sun Salutations, it’s said to exercise every muscle in the body! click here to print off and download for free salute to the Sun. Alternatively meditate with 8 Moments of 8 moments of mindfulnessMindfulness.


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3 Ways To A Calmer Mind

8 moments of mindfulness

The Stresshacker’s guide to meditation.

You don’t need to embrace incense and omming to get meditation into your routine!

Discipline and commitment

The way forward is to start small and stick to it!

The Stresshacker's 7 Minutes of ZenLike exercise if you set yourself up with too big a goal you could be setting yourself up for failure. What’s your daily commitment? Can you realistically commit to THREE minutes a day? Great! Then that’s the place to start.

The next vital thing is to choose your time – morning or evening? How about both?  Set a time  7am or 9pm and stick to it.

Space to breathe

Find a space to meditate in and ALWAYS meditate in the same place. Make sure it’s nice, you know,  clean, uncluttered, not too hot, not too cold. If you only have one room, select a corner of the room, make it pleasant and sit there.

Make a deal with yourself

Once your time starts, close your eyes and make a deal with yourself to remain still. DON’T fidget and ignore any itches and irritations they will go away. If you have to cough, of course do so, it’s common sense to be comfortable but aim to just be. This is the training that will help it to become an automatic system.

Rinse and repeat

Repetition is the mother of all skill, as you repeat the daily meditation you’re likely to feel more in control emotionally and notice an increased ability to regulate thoughts, feelings and reactions. These are just some of the benefits.

Once you’ve got your 3 minutes a day under your belt and it feels effortless you’ll naturally extend the time to 5 minutes, then 10 and so on.  In no time at all you’ll be meditating effortlessly for 30 minutes a day! a

Which Meditation style is best or right for me?

1. Breath Focus

Who’s it for?  It’s particularly good if you are more kinesthetic, you can feel the breath in the nasal passages and follow its journey into the body.

This is the simplest method (taken from Power Tool 9) ‘I Just Want To Be Happy’).

Start with a regular daily practice of two or three minutes. Sit quietly where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes, and take your awareness to your nostrils. Be aware of breathing in and out through your nose for a few breaths and then Breathe in and silently count 1,2,3,4 hold your breath 1,2,3,4 breath out 1,2,3,4,5,6 pause 1,2,3,4.

Do this for 10 breaths.

Your mind is likely to wander. This is true for all of us since the nature of the mind is to be constantly moving. When this happens simply go back to ‘one’ and start again. This is a mental discipline and the ultimate aim is to get to ten breaths uninterrupted by thoughts.

2. Mantra

Who’s it for? Mantra isn’t for everyone, however it could be very useful if you happen to be highly auditory,  tuned into sound, or if you really have a poor attention span.

So which mantra? It could be something from any faith, for example the Lord’s Prayer, or it could be a Buddhist Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, or a yogi’s Om Namah Shiva, or even the  repetition of a western word such as Peace, Relax, Be  or I am Still.

Choose the one that works for you. Repeat it mentally and silently over and over for the duration of your mediation.

It should also be said here that some of the more ancient chants  such as Om are said to be imbibed with a powerful resonance, said to bring extra benefit to the meditator. Sounds great to me!


This might be preferred choice  if you tend to be more visual, or if your eyes are tired from too much computer work. Although Trataka is considered more of a Kyria (a purification process) than a meditation.

You do need to be sitting still and probably in the privacy of your own home for this one. Light a candle about two to three feet away from you at eye level. Remove contact lenses. Relax your body, sit up straight and soften your gaze to one of receiving the light into your eyes rather than staring.

As soon as you blink or your eyes water, gently close your eyes and hold the image of the candle flame in your inner eye. As soon as the image fades, open your eyes and begin again.

Develop a system so that it becomes automatic, bring your awareness to your breathing on the hour every hour for example.

The most important thing is once you have found a method that works for you stick to it. If you keep chopping and changing you’ll never establish a discipline, and that’s the key.

So, don’t take my word for it. Do it yourself. Commit to a month and see the benefits for yourself.

Please let me know how you get on, and if you have any questions remember to post them or go to the ‘Ask Sue’ tab on the website and I’ll do my best to answer them for you.


I’m erring on the side of caution here but if you’re unsure if meditation is for you or if you’ve been diagnosed with any mental illness please check with your Doctor first.

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10 Ways To Dissolve Frustration

This feeling will pass

Do you often feel irritated, agitated and on the ‘edge’ of losing it?angry-woman

Anger plays a part in a bigger picture of loss. So what’s changed recently, what have you lost? A loved one, a job, relationship, house? The disappointment of your own expectations? Maybe you’ve gone so far into a ‘role’ that you’ve actually lost yourself. In which case you’ll need to find your way home again to remembering who you really are.

Begin by acknowledging what you might be grieving, then move onto the following 10 ways to address feelings of frustration and anger.

1.  Write, on a sheet of paper, “I’m angry because…” and write a list of 50 things that come to mind. The exercise in itself will be enlightening and then see if there is anything you can actually do to change the irritating factor. If you can’t, then you might just have to do a bit of growing up and work on accepting what you can’t change.

2. Write a letter (by hand) to the person you feel angry with (even if they are no longer alive) and tear it up into lots of pieces when you have finished.

3. Sing or whistle – it helps you to breathe out; at the end of the sound you have to take a deep breath in again.

4. Repeat, silently, “I am calm and relaxed I am at ease” (even if you’re not feeling it!)

5. Lie on the floor with knees bent and feet flat on the floor, pull your belly button back toward your spine and thump your  feet up and down on the floor and move them from side to side. Make fists and thump them on the floor too.

6. Look up EFT for anger on YouTube  there’s loads of videos that will help you learn how to use this amazing technique.

7. If you’re stuck in traffic, take a deep breath in, and as you breathe out make a loud HAAAAA sound.

8. Tell yourself “This feeling will pass”.

This feeling will pass

9. Find somewhere quiet and take time out to listen to Stress Free With Confidence.

10. Think about what might be causing your anger. Try this simple thought exercise to get to the bottom of your feelings: How to lose your baggage and lighten up.

If you know someone who could use these tips, please forward the email and have them sign up to receive free relaxation and meditation downloads… make sure you’ve claimed yours too.



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Chant To Grieve

‘the body will express what the mind is concerned with

Death is much a part of life and whether that’s the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship  the heart cannot discern, for the most part it is just intensely painful. The heart chakra (centre) often feels ripped apart, a gaping hole revealed that many fear will never heal.

How do you process this horrendous pain and will it ever stop?

There are stages in bereavement such as shock which can equate to numbness physically and denial psychologically, sometimes heard as “I can’t believe it”. Then there’s anger which if unexpressed can lead to depression, you might hear this as “why them, him/her/me, why now? Guilt is also part of the process, no matter how amazing you were, you’re likely to find a way to feel guilty about something you can hear that in the statement “If only I’d …”

There are others, but these are the main phases that we cycle through until eventually and hopefully we one day find some acceptance of our loss. That can take  weeks, months and for some, many years.

Personally from my perspective as a psychotherapist I believe it’s dangerous to bottle up emotion,  I subscribe to the school of thought that says ‘the body will express what the mind is concerned with’. If we don’t find a way to let go of our anger, guilt, and shock, the body will have to deal with it.

In some cultures there is a ritual known as the death wail, a wailing lament that takes place after the death of a family member or tribe, as part of the mourning.

IMG_0579I wasn’t familiar with the death wail, but when my dog died after 18 years of unconditional love, devotion and loyalty the pain was indescribable.  I sat for three days (not continuously) on the top of my stairs staring out of the window and chanted the Om sometimes written and sounded as AUM (this is a word found in yoga philosophy).

By day two I had a sense that this sound was carrying her on her journey, which brought me some comfort and on day three I stopped as suddenly as I’d started. I continued to mourn her passing and still miss her 20 years later but it did alleviate some of the intense pain I felt at that time.

When we’re in a state of bereavement we can feel fear and heartache, which  affects our ability to breathe fully and freely. Chanting is an out-breath, an exhalation. Whilst chanting the Om might not be everyone’s cup of tea, you might find chanting through the vowel sounds A E I O U until you find the sound that resonates well with you, helps you to release some pent up emotions.  Do it for as long as you feel is right for you … it just might help.

I wonder how you deal with loss? Please share because your comments below could be really helpful to someone else.

Thanks for reading.


‘the body will express what the mind is concerned with

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Get Your Free 8 Minute Recharge


Do you need to recharge?

Do you need to relax?

Do you need a moment to yourself?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above sit back and open your free gift.

The blog’s short this week and I’m giving you a free gift.  Add it to the resources in your ‘adult’ part. Use it often and enjoy the benefits.

Many of you are telling me how stressed you are at the moment. Whether that’s down to your heavy work load, the demands of family and friends, illness, life-changing events or just that this cold spell of weather that won’t go away, use the program below to gently pull you back into the present.

Do not use it whilst driving!

Do you want more like this? Sign up to my newsletter to get three free downloads from my store!

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28 Ways To Be On Top!

28 ways to be on top

28 ways to be on top

How can you reach your destination if you haven’t got a map?

Do you know how to stay in adult mode?

Can you recognise the qualities and behaviours that belong to the adult part of you?

Are you becoming more adept at recognising your inner child’s behaviours and thoughts?

Can you identify when you’re in critical parent mode and use your map to snap out of it?

Add this list to your adult part and enjoy the process of growing up.

  1. Speak your truth
  2. Know yourself
  3. Nurture yourself
  4. Learn to be assertive
  5. Eat well.
  6. Have plenty of rest
  7. Exercise regularly
  8. Spend time with people who make you laugh
  9. Remember that variety is the spice of life
  10. Improve your confidence and self-esteem
  11. Become more congruent shed the ‘roles’ that make you feel a phoney
  12. If you lack it, develop integrity
  13. Be honest and truthful with yourself and others
  14. Spend time alone
  15. Do what you love to do
  16. Act as if you’re brave until you feel brave
  17. Explore and try something different a food, exercise, or hobby
  18. Say daily positive affirmations.
  19. Try journaling every day.
  20. Dump your grievances by writing therapy letters to those who have hurt you. (DON’T send them, tear them up after… it works!)
  21. Develop an attitude of gratitude write 3 things two or three times a week that you’re grateful for.
  22. Practice loving. Imagine you’re falling in love with yourself
  23. Be kind and forgiving to yourself
  24. Remind yourself it’s okay to say No
  25. Set goals for the experiences you want to have
  26. Upgrade your programs with hypnotherapy
  27. Be kind and gentle with your inner child
  28. Be firm and boundaried with your inner parent. (Don’t let it take over!)

Enjoy and let me have your feedback!

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Growing Up At Last!

This week’s blog is going to be a little brief due to me going out and kicking my heels up (that’s the adult in me!) My parent part would have me slog over this blog for a few hours longer, revisiting it over and over “until it’s right”!DeathtoStock_Creative Community7

The child/teenager in me would likely acquiesce and sit for another few hours at my desk ‘to get it right’!

The adult in me knows it’s okay to have compromise. The adult is okay with not being perfect

If you’ve been following the past few blogs where I’ve talked about the model of looking at the mind in 3 parts, the child, parent and adult parts this will all be making sense, if you’ve just landed on this blog though, you can be forgiven for wondering what I’m on about! Start reading from here

In a nutshell, we tend to run old beliefs and thoughts programmed during childhood. It’s rare that we challenge or change these thoughts and beliefs and sadly the older we get the more ingrained they become. Simply put, we believe what we’ve been told about ourselves in the past.

Identifying the adult in us and adding new thoughts, beliefs and behaviours is akin to upgrading the software! The adult part is the starting place to set goals and if you like, reinvent ourselves.

In case you missed the rationale behind why this updating is so powerful I’ll reiterate. The subconscious mind (the other 90%) believes whatever it is told. Please re-read that last line!

If like many people who start to work with this model of the mind, you feel unsure of who your adult part is,  or how you want to be, have a look at one of my favourite speakers Julian Treasure and familiarise yourself with his mnemonic HAIL





I’m sure you’ll agree these are worthy  traits to add to  your adult part.  Enjoy and watch Julian’s TED talk here>